Another Inconvenient Truth

Before the fluttering of TV-ready flags and the patriotic, outraged sputtering gets too loud for anyone to think clearly, let's hear it once straight up.

"I believe myself that the secretary of state, secretary of defense and -- you have to make your own decisions as to what the president knows -- (know) this war is lost and the surge is not accomplishing anything as indicated by the extreme violence in Iraq yesterday."

-- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, April 19, 2007

The thumping has already begun, the wailing of "They don't support the troooooops!", and if past experience is any indication, the Democrats will soon be issuing "clarifications" about what the senator really meant and trying to water down what was actually a much-needed stiff drink.

So before Senator Reid ascends the wobbly tower of public relations Jell-o, let me throw in my own opinion.

He's right. The war is lost.

It was lost long ago. Maybe from the very first day.

It wasn't lost by the troops. It was lost very much in spite of the troops.

It was lost by old men in Washington, D.C.

If they can resist the indignant cries from that small but loud percentage of the extreme right who would unconditionally support the president even if he shot up a college campus or ate a puppy on television, the Democrats might just turn back into a party with some measure of leadership.

They just need to know one thing most of all. Here's that thing, the one they might not completely know because no one on either side of the aisle seems to be able to hear the voice of the People (with a big P) very clearly,

We already know the war is lost.

We may be stupid, easily distracted, American Idol-watching children, but we know the war is lost. Speak what's true, and we'll listen, we'll listen because we already know it, even if we're not all ready to say it. We need leaders to say it and to actually lead us out of the dark.

I've had my heart broken in the past by Democrats who stood up and spoke hard truths, only to weasel and wiggle back across the line when the heat got turned up. But even knowing how it usually turns out, I do still so love that brief moment when the party of my idealistic youth stands up like an aging bull ready to take one last futile stab at the matador, forgetting for just that moment of clarity to fear the butcher's block and the Hamburger Helper yet to come.

Support the troops with more than a ribbon magnet on your SUV. Get our people out of there.

Large things made small

Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

You know, when there's a huge new event in the world, I always have to pause and see if I have anything to say about it here. After yesterday's events in Virginia, I didn't think I did. It was obviously as upsetting to me as it was to the rest of the country and the world, but that didn't mean I had anything particularly unique to say about it. I didn't think I had a personal reaction to offer about the effect of such large, remote events on my own small world or that of my family.

But then, I didn't expect to feel such a heavy sense of unease, such a stone in the pit of my stomach, as Schuyler got on her school bus this morning. I never felt such an urge to go outside and wave the bus away like I did today.

What a world we live in. So it goes.

Update: I just watched a CNN reporter completely lose his composure while he described the local emergency officials removing the bodies from Norris Hall as the dead students' cell phones were ringing and buzzing, their frantic parents tried to make sure that they were okay. I don't even know what to do with that image.

This could be the start of something interesting...

Happy dragon girl
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Okay, so the thing we discovered in our Box Class a few days ago? The one that I said I was just going to spring on you? Well, we learned how to interface directly between the BBoW and our laptops. This means that Schuyler can now send emails, input into Word documents and, well, blog. Good thing, too, since she wants to tell you about her new friend...)

-----

my Dragon eats elephants . My Dragon is green . I love Dragon . she can fly! She is my friend.

-----

(Note: Yep, it's apparently a chickie dragon. Well, of course it is.)

Elephants beware

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."

Kurt Vonnegut
1922-2007

Love your pets

So I got a surprise comment left on a previous entry, Things to do in Plano, from none other than the brother of the monkey guy himself.

Believe me, you've missed most of the story on this one. For the whole truth, and to see why you've all been suckered into taking part in character assassination of a really nice man, go check out www.savedarwin.com.

In the interest of fairness, you can go check out the rest of the story. I will say that as I read what's on the site, I honestly think there are a lot of holes in the story, but you can judge for yourself.

(Perhaps this might be a good time to read up on why having a pet monkey is a phenomenally bad idea. I haven't read the whole site, so I don't know if it addresses something I've always heard, that little tiny boy monkeys will jump up on your shoulder and have sex with your ear. Maybe that's best left a mystery.)

So here you go. Let it never be said that I don't provide both sides of the story. Or that I'm not here to meet all your scandalous monkey love needs. You're welcome.

Fragile Innocence

Julie ran across a passage in a book she's reading, James Reston, Jr.'s Fragile Innocence: A Father's Memoir of His Daughter's Courageous Journey .

Reston writes about his daughter, Hillary, who was stricken at the age of eighteen months with a high fever that left her significantly (and mysteriously) impaired. His descriptions of the onset of her seizures is enough to keep us up at night. But it was this observation that resonated with Julie, and with me, enough to share with you.

When we moved to Washington that summer, the coldness and embarrassment of strangers were evident. With Hillary's yips and her strange gait and her impulsive gestures and her hovering parents, it was clear to any passerby that something was wrong with her. Strangers turned away or looked at her curiously as if she were an exotic creature from Mars or the circus. As we met new people, their reaction to Hillary, whether inviting or embarrassed, became a litmus test of whether we chose to pursue the relationship. In our minds we knew this to be unfair, and later we came to realize, in our denseness, that good and well-intentioned people often simply did not know how to react. But we could not help it. It meant that our circle of friends shrank to a precious few.

We haven't finished the book yet, but so far, it has given us a sobering and gripping look at a family dealing with another child's monster, one that is much bigger and more sinister but vaguely familiar all the same.

Reminder

I should probably post something like this every now and then, especially as we get closer to the book release.

Coffee Talk

Holding court
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Sometimes we do things for Schuyler that help her along in the world. We make decisions and sacrifices that turn out to be the right ones and which propel her down smooth, bright roads.

Sometimes she does it herself. Most of the time, she pushes herself down those roads.

The other day, we took Schuyler to a local mall so she could run around and play without being subjected to (or subjecting us to) fried "foods", cheap Happy Meal toys or demented clowns. At this particular semi-fancy mall, there is a huge play area that Schuyler loves. It is one of those new trendy playgrounds made of squishy giant forms that the kids can climb around on and fall off of without incurring litigation.

In the case of this particular play area, the theme was "giant breakfast". A twenty-foot plate held a steak the size of a queen-sized mattress and two wagon wheel-sized eggs. A slice of grapefruit was topped by a cherry the size of a basketball. It is a very very cool playground.

Schuyler was having her usual great time on the Big Breakfast; I think it's probably her favorite place to play, with the possible exception of the previously mentioned and oft-requested Clown House. As she tends to do, it wasn't long before she'd made some friends. In this case, it was two sisters who wanted to run around the giant plate, alternately chasing and being chased by Schuyler, and their brother, who kept us as best as he could despite a cast on one leg.

After exhausting themselves, the four of them climbed into the giant, jacuzzi-sized cup of coffee and began the whole "So who are you and what's your scene?" discussion. Before it got very far, Schuyler ran over to us and grabbed her Big Box of Words.

What happened next stopped us in our tracks. And by us, I don't mean just Julie and I, but rather every parent in the area. We all sat, silently mesmerized, as Schuyler began demonstrating her device and asking questions of all the kids present. The four turned to six, and then eight little kids crowded around the giant cup, fascinated by this hard-playing, hard-laughing little girl with the robot voice. All the adults watched in wonder as a crowd formed around one little girl. I think they worried about the Revolution of the Small beginning at that moment.

At the center of it all was Schuyler. She asked everyone their names and how old they were, and she answered their questions as best as she could. She led a cyborgian rendition of "Old Macdonald Had a Farm". And when one little girl repeatedly tried to reach over and take the BBoW, Schuyler told her "No." and sternly pointed at the ground outside the cup until the little girl glumly climbed out and skulked away.

Banished by the Cyborg Princess. It's a harsh world in Schuyler's Coffee Cup.

For a full twenty minutes, Schuyler held court, and kids came and went from her audience, aside from the siblings she'd befriended, who never left or took their eyes of off of her. It was only after the kids' mother came up nervously and started checking them out that I approached them. I could see at a glance, as is often the case, that while the kids were all fascinated by and even envious of Schuyler and the BBoW, their mom was a little freaked out.

That's how it usually happens. Almost every time, actually. If someone gets spooked by Schuyler or her monster, it's almost always another adult, as if their kid might catch whatever she has. Kids her age tend to absorb what's different, make their quick adjustments in order to facilitate play, and them go on. Can't talk? Well then, let's run around and howl instead.

When I came over to check on her, Schuyler looked up at me and smiled. I could tell she was as happy at that moment as she's ever been. Then she turned to her new friends, lifted the BBoW over her head without looking at me until I dutifully took it from her, and then she leapt out of the cup and ran away, off to conquer the giant bacon.

Her new gang of transfixed friends followed close on her heels. They didn't leave her side until their skittish mother finally took them home, and their eyes followed Schuyler until they were out of sight.

She was already making a new friend by then.

A Prayer for My Daughter

I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour
And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower,
And under the arches of the bridge, and scream
In the elms above the flooded stream;
Imagining in excited reverie
That the future years had come,
Dancing to a frenzied drum,
Out of the murderous innocence of the sea.

From "A Prayer for My Daughter"
by William Butler Yeats

Things to do in Plano

Monkey love
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Sometimes it pays to read your local news.

A man right here in Plano, Texas had his monkey taken away from him, and was then accused of sending monkey porn to his incarcerated pet. Or maybe it wasn't monkey porn, says the guy who originally made the allegation but is now reconsidering his opinion. Maybe it was just the heartfelt expression of a guy who loves his monkey.

I really do think that this story ran in the paper for no other reason than to serve as an excuse to print the following quote:

"I don't have sex with my monkey. That's absolute crap," Mr. Crawford said. "Why would I do that? I gave him an audiotape, but it didn't have anything like that on it. It said, 'I'm coming home, I'm coming to get you. Daddy's coming, he's coming to get you,' " Mr. Crawford said.

"I don't have sex with my monkey." It's my personal belief that if you find yourself in the position where you feel it necessary to make that statement to the news media, you might just have a serious image problem. Also, you sound totally guilty.

Shepherds of the Broken

Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I'd like to find a new term for special needs parents, one that doesn't include the hated words "special needs". I have no idea what, though. "Shepherds of the Broken", perhaps.

I don't speak for all or even most of my fellow shepherds. But judging from many of the people I've met, both online and in this grand rough world, I know I speak for some. I speak for some of the parents of the broken who don't get divorced and don't give over the care of our broken children to the state or to someone else seemingly more qualified than our clumsy, stupid selves to help our kids. We are shepherds in the storm. We stand, dumb but firm, against the winds, and we endure.

Shepherds of the broken engage in acts of compromise, often in ways that are hard to explain and which perhaps don't make sense to the neurotypical world.

We find that we stand apart from other parents, that the things that thrill us have a whiff of desperation about them, such as when our broken children achieve things that are both commonplace and yet sometimes seemingly out of reach. When I discovered that Schuyler received a perfect score on her spelling test on Friday, like any other first grade child might, how do I explain how both my joy and a little bit of sadness fed off of the low expectations she's battled in the past, where the very device she uses to take that test was considered to be out of her intellectual reach?

And yet, there are fellow shepherds out there who celebrate when their child survives another year, another month. When I write about Schuyler's struggles, so much less terrifying than theirs, they don't necessarily look at me with pure joy, but perhaps with something very gently tainted with contempt. And I don't look at them with sympathy alone, but also fear, and an impulse to step back from their world.

The most surprising thing I've discovered about being a shepherd of the broken are the limits of community and empathy amongst fellow shepherds. I've had tense discussions with other parents that have degenerated into "you think YOU have problems", as if our broken children were competing to see who had the most monstrous of monsters. I have discovered over the years and particularly of late how lonely our shepherding lives can be. Standing outside a neurotypical world, we also stand apart from each other. Most of all, we find ourselves standing apart from our spouses and families.

Yes, shepherds of the broken live in a world of compromise. The divorce rate among us is higher than the general population, but for a good number of us, splitting up is an unworkable option. We learn to forgive transgressions so long as they are against each other and not our broken children. We learn to accept that our relationships are bound in ways that the unbroken can never completely grasp. We're alone in profound ways, working with the one person in the world who can understand what we're going through and yet also the one person who can't ease our sorrow, steeped as they are within their own. Our fellow, spousal shepherds have their own pain. Locked together in a relationship that becomes mostly, then entirely, about our shepherding duties, we sometimes turn to religion for help, or we try to find time to pretend that we're just like the rest of you, but mostly we turn inwards, to the space that is ours alone. We labor together as partners, as caregivers and educators and advocates, and perhaps eventually that's all we become to each other. And the weirdest part of that is how okay we are with it, because as lonely as that kind of relationship can be, it is that partnership against the monster that we depend on all the time. It's the one thing that we can't do alone.

Shepherds of the broken try to build lives like the rest of you. We can't expect you to completely understand how we live and how the rules that govern much of society stopped working for us a long time ago. It's not just our children who stand apart. We shepherds of the broken find ourselves unable to build relationships. Our marriages and families are eaten by our children's monsters and the people we reach for in the unbroken world are unable to reach back.

If there is one thing that Julie and I and countless other parents have found about having a broken child, it is that in the end, it can be the loneliest life in the world. It can be like an emotional limbo.

And yet.

Yet through it all, Schuyler stands at the center, and when every other relationship falters, her love is the light that guides me and the warmth that sustains my life. She is like a star, from whose gravitational pull I can never escape but whose very existence gives life and purpose. She is both goddess and jailer.

In my old journal and also in my book, I quote a song by Little Willie John that I think perfectly describes this world of the shepherd of the broken. I think perhaps it's time to do so here, too.

My love, my love is a mountainside
So firm it can calm the tide
My love for you is a mountainside
It stands so firm it can calm the tide
That's why my love, my love is
A mountainside

My love, my love is an ocean's roar
So strong, so strong that I can't let you go
My love for you is an ocean's roar
It's grown so strong that I can't let you go
That's why my love, my love is
An ocean's roar

My love is longer than forever
And endless as the march of time
'Till ninety-nine years after never
In my heart you'll still be mine
Because my love
My love is a deep blue sea
So deep, so deep that I'll never be free
My love for you is a deep blue sea
It's grown so strong that I'll never be free
That's why my love, my love is
A deep blue sea

Eyes Wide Shut

Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I was watching The Today Show this morning because it was far too early for actual quality programming. There was a segment called "Let's Talk Motherhood" (because remember, on The Today Show, we all live in Fred Flintstone's America, where dads are too busy hunting mastadons to worry about parenting), and one poor put-upon mom was bemoaning her momly life.

Laundry? Cooking? Pushing a wheelchair or trying to keep her aspirating, disabled child from choking to death when she eats? No, this mom's burden is a child who apparently talks too much.

"Last night my daughter was reading something, and she just kept going on, and on, and on, and I went 'Ugh!' And she said, 'What's the matter? Are you tired of my reading?' And I'm like, 'No', but it's just like 'Whew!'"

Whew, indeed. If you'd really like to gain my sympathies, by all means, tell me how your kid never stops talking. No, please.

As I've mentioned before, I belong to a polymicrogyria (PMG) discussion group. I almost never post, however, mostly out of a weird sense of guilt. I have yet to read a post by another parent with a child who is better off than Schuyler, whose PMG mostly affects her speech so far. I read stories by parents whose kids are in wheelchairs or who require a feeding tube just to stay alive. Almost all of them have kids who suffer seizures. Every so often, but not as rarely as it should be, one will post that they lost their child, to a massive seizure or a choking incident or simply a quiet death in the night.

The thing about these posts, however, is that they are almost never complaining. If they're talking about seizures, it's to compare medications and treatment strategies with other parents, or simply to calm another parent going through some new manifestation of their child's monster. I posted there the first time Schuyler choked, and I'm sure that I'll be back when her first seizure hits. But for now, I mostly just read, silently thankful for Schuyler's good luck, within her bad luck.

The parents who have the most cause to complain also have the most reason to understand how much worse it could be. I've had people ask that fun hypothetical question, "If you could take away Schuyler's monster, would you?" It's not entirely hypothetical; I spend every day trying to do just that. If I can't take it away, I'll settle for cutting it down to size, muzzling its snout and blunting its claws.

But if I could go back in time and chose whether or not to have her, knowing ahead of time the world we'd be entering? That's easy. The first thirty-two years of my life were rehearsal. I started living for real when Schuyler was born. The angst I feel when I put her on the bus in the morning or the pain of watching her struggle to communicate with another kid who then makes fun of her when she runs off to play, that's the pain of living and the price I pay in order to have the privilege of walking through the world with her. She's the best person I know, hands down.

When I see a mother complaining on national television because her kid talks too much, fucking READS too much, I realize how insignificant that price is. I don't think you have to have a broken child in order to appreciate how fragile and amazing life can be. I just think you have to be paying attention.

If you read the things I write about life with Schuyler and you feel pity for us, then I'm just a shitty writer. If you read me and find yourself, against all logic and convention, feeling a little bit jealous, then I've gotten it right.

My Review of the Battlestar Galactica Season Finale

Huh?

Why did my favorite TV show just turn into Lost?

I also can't believe it's not going to return until my book comes out. They have some explaining to do when it does.

Blogging about blogging about writing? Fascinating!

Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I wrote a long post over at Monster Notes, my bookety book crap blog, about my publisher's decision to assign a subtitle to SCHUYLER'S MONSTER and my thoughts on the direction I hope that goes. Go read it if you're interested in the process, especially if you think you might have some good suggestions. God knows, I've personally got the crappy ones covered all by myself.

It's been a quiet, quiet Sunday afternoon around here. Schuyler and I watched King Kong on HBO earlier, and as usual, she cheered for Kong when he delivered the smack to his dinosaur friends. Watching Kong together is one of Schuyler and my most sacred rituals.

Before you send me indignant hate mail, I realize that it's perhaps not the most appropriate movie for a seven year old. But one more minute of Noggin and I was going to end up with my picture on CNN, with helicopters circling the building.

Besides, I'm not convinced that those rules really apply to Schuyler. She's experienced uglier monsters than Kong.

"The Wrath of Khan" was taken

(Originally posted at SCHUYLER'S MONSTER.)

Back in December, when I participated in the Mediabistro "Blogger to Author" panel, I think I came across as sort of peppy and happy and naive. The book deal was like a magical thing, sneezed in my face by a unicorn or something. Considering I was there as Tragedy Dad, I was surprisingly pollyanna about the whole thing. My book was still being written, and I had no idea what the process was going to be like.

When we were all discussing the differences between writing a blog and writing a book, I didn't have much to contribute (although I did manage to jabber on like a Cowboy Woody doll with a broken string anyway). This week, I learned something that would have made a good point at the panel.

When you are writing a blog, you have complete control. For better or for worse, it's all you, the editorial decisions, the layout, everything. If your blog blows up in your face, it is a self-inflicted wound.

This week, I got my first taste of the collaborative process inherent in having a book published.

I received an email the other day from my editor at St. Martin's, letting me know that they needed to select a subtitle for my book and asking if I had any thoughts on the matter.

Now, I hadn't actually considered a subtitle. I always thought that SCHUYLER'S MONSTER was a title that worked really well on its own, steeped in allegory and mysterious enough to catch the attention of a curious potential reader. The thing I hadn't really considered was the reality of a world in which tens of thousands of books are published every year, a world where people are more likely to look at it and say, "Shooler's Monster? What's THIS crap?" before moving on to the latest Sudoku collection.

So yes, after a moment of twitchiness, I saw the necessity of a subtitle if I'd like to actually sell any books.

The tricky part is that the subtitle will ultimately be decided by St. Martin's Press, not me. And really, that's fine. The subtitle is a marketing tool as much as anything else. It tells potential readers, as well as reviewers and book buyers, what the book is about at a glance. In the case of reviewers and buyers, it does so in a situation where the cover art is not yet in place; galleys go out as text only. So St. Martin's will choose the subtitle, which is fine with me since they're the ones who sell books for a living.

My concern is that the people who will be making this decision will largely be people who haven't read the book. Again, that's perfectly reasonable; in a company that publishes over 700 titles a year, no one's got the time to read them all, or even most of them.

But in the case of SCHUYLER'S MONSTER, I'm afraid that without reading it, the people who make the decision on a subtitle may be imagining a very different book, one more suited for a Hallmark card or an After-School Special. I'm afraid of a customer buying "Schuyler's Monster: An Inspiring Story of a Family's Noble Struggle Against Blah Blah Blah", only to read it and think to herself, "Wow, he sure says 'fuck' a lot."

I sat down and wrote what can only be described as a scary, Unabomberesque manifesto this weekend, giving my editor my thoughts on this whole subtitle and genre classification issue. Poor Sheila. She asked for a few thoughts, and she got my Schuyler's Monster dissertation instead. She’s going to end up in the Federal Witness Protection Program before she’s done with me.

The most relevant part (as opposed to all the irrelevant stuff that perhaps I should have edited out in the first place) was this:

Simply put, I believe that the subtitle should reflect the experience of the family, not the disorder. The disorder gets the title itself; the subtitle should express a larger truth. The book is about a little girl and a family (specifically a father, which I think is somewhat unique among the books that are out there), and the experience they have. The father is a little lost and ill-prepared, and the girl is tenacious but without a voice. In the end, the father finds strength, but it is the little girl who perseveres and triumphs. She gets help from her parents and the schools and situations she ends up in, but her ultimate success comes through her tenacity and fearlessness.

The primary elements of the subtitle, then, could be more about the experience of being a father in over his head and more about a girl without words, rather than about a struggle against a disease. Because really, it has never been entirely about fighting polymicrogyria. Polymicrogyria won its battle before she was born, it won simply by existing. The story has been about taking what the monster gave her and finding her way and her voice.

Am I making sense? I don't see this as a parenting book or a special needs book so much as a memoir about a journey. Even if the book gets categorized as "parenting" (which I sort of hope it doesn't but which is WAY beyond my scope of experience or expertise), I hope that it gets marketed as a more universal experience: the world can overwhelm, the people selected to fight the big battles often feel like they are not the right person for the job, and they step up to the plate anyway because their actions determine the fate of those they love the most. And also, the smallest person can hold the deepest wells of strength, deeper ultimately even than those of the persons who set out to protect and save them.

(Schuyler as Frodo? Perhaps overstated, but you get the idea.)

[...]

But if this book carries the right title (and subtitle) and jacket cover, then hopefully it grabs the attention of people who may have neurotypical kids or no kids at all. The common experience of "holy crap, I'm not ready for this" and "the experts are telling us one thing, but we know better and are prepared to fight for it" and "that little person can't even talk, but she's tenacious and in the end can take care of herself and thrive"; THAT'S what I think the book should be about. I don't know if that's the book I wrote, but if it's not, it's because I wasn't a good enough writer, not because I'm wrong.

My friend Tracy pointed out that it is probably unrealistic that I can avoid the parenting pigeonhole, and she's probably right. But I wanted to at the very least put my thoughts out there, let them enter the discussion and then step away. I don't expect St. Martin's to say "Please, tell us more!" I expect them to make their decisions based on their experience as a successful publisher. I just wanted them to hear my point of view so it's there in the room.

As for my subtitle suggestions, I came up with a few, none of which I think are going to make the final cut. My favorite was:

Schuyler's Monster:
Odyssey of a Lost Father and a Girl Without Words

Although really, I sort of like "Mime School Dropout", too.

Damocles

Schuyler
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Schuyler has her reality, and I have mine.

I was looking at my stats today and found this blog entry, in which a blogger dreamed that she came here and found my blog empty, except for a single word: "dead".

"I woke up crying," she wrote, "thinking Schuyler had her first big seizure and her little body couldn't handle it."

When I read that, I was stunned. I just sat here and looked at my screen silently for maybe a minute or two. I wasn't upset with the blogger; indeed, I'm touched that people care enough about Schuyler to allow her to get inside their heads and fuck up their dreams. And really, if something did happen to Schuyler, I'm not sure that I'd have the will to post much more than a single word. But in a single short entry, this blogger managed to land on my worst fear with both feet.

In my book, I quote Dr. William Dobyns as saying, "I can tell you I’ve only had two patients die from their seizures." He meant it to be comforting, I'm sure, but of course it wasn't. In my naivety, it hadn't really occurred to me that she could die from them.

But here's the thing. Schuyler hasn't had seizures, not a single one. According to Dobyns, they tend to manifest between the ages of six and ten, so she's just now entering the danger years, but I don't think she's ever had one, not even a small absence seizure. (When she was young, I thought she'd had them, but apparently they typically come in groups, not singly. According to Dr. Dobyns, Schuyler was probably just zoning out like little kids do. Well, little kids and me.) The odds are about 85-90% against her dodging seizures, but she's beaten the odds before.

So Schuyler goes through her life as happy as a butterfly, unaware or unconcerned about the thing that literally keeps me awake at night, this Sword of Damocles that she never notices but which I rarely take my eyes off of.

Julie feels the same way. We very rarely leave Schuyler with a babysitter, and never for long, in part because of our fear that it could happen, that first one could hit and Schuyler wouldn't be with her mother or her father or her teachers. It's silly, and we know it, but there it is. We don't even leave her with family very often. Schuyler is literally never alone, except when she sleeps. And I worry about it happening then.

People tell us that we should adopt Schuyler's carefree attitude. If she's not worried, why should we be? It has always felt to me, however, that her happiness has a price, and if we are to elevate her above fear and worry, we do so while standing knee-deep in it.

I love the person Schuyler is becoming. I love her fearlessness, and I love her punky attitude. I love that given a choice between girly pink and camouflage, she'll unhesitatingly wear both at the same time. Most of all, I love how she adapts.

We got a call from Schuyler's Box Class teacher today. The class was constructing sentences on their devices, and Schuyler was having a hard time finding the word "but". Impatient with the device's icon tutor, which shows the path to any word you type in, Schuyler stood up, laughing, and pointed to her ass. And then did a little "look at my ass" dance. She found her "but".

The biggest difference between Schuyler and her father? Her unflagging ability to take her monster and dress it up in clown clothes.

Courtesy of Robert Rummel-Hudson

This morning, I went over to Kerry's to take some photos of some old newspapers (and clean up the images in Photoshop so they wouldn't look like they'd been yellowing with age for ten years) for a Court TV story that was running later in the afternoon.

Later, when we watched the program, Catherine Crier Live (on which they got the name of Kerry's book wrong, d'oh), I got a fun surprise.

I don't really have anything profound to offer. I just thought it was random and cool.

Beloved M

Big punkass, little punkass
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

As a parent, there's a thing that I think a lot of us secretly enjoy, even though we absolutely know we shouldn't. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

When we go away from our families for a few days, we find it guiltily satisfying when our kids freak out at our absence. I know, that's awful. But with apologies to Julie and my family and friends, there is only one person in my world who both gives and receives unconditional love.

I missed Schuyler like mad. Apparently she felt likewise, judging from the reports I got from Julie while I was away and also from the hug/tackle/leech-cling I experienced at the airport when I got back.

I did have a moment of genuine, real guilt concerning my trip to California, and it actually came yesterday, while I was at work. Schuyler's on Spring Break, and instead of hitting the beach and getting conned into appearing in some Mute Girls Gone Wild video, she has been at home with Julie. I get the impression that while their love for each other is as strong as ever, they have nevertheless had enough quality time together for a while.

Anyway, yesterday I got a call from Julie.

"You have to talk to Schuyler," she said. "She's crying hysterically."

"Huh?" I said with my usual eloquence. "Why, what's up?"

"She thinks you're not coming home again."

Well. Hello, I'm an asshole. Nice to meet you.

Anyway, I managed to calm her fears, and later today we're going to pile into Beelzebug, just the two of us. After I do a few things at the office, we're going to take a road trip.

Neal Pollack, author of the new book Alternadad, is going to be doing a signing/reading at Book People in Austin. I'm reading the book right now and enjoying it immensely. He's taken some heat for some aspects of the book, including an editorial in the New York Times by David Brooks that reads like an old man standing on the porch in his boxers and black socks, yelling at the neighbor's kids to stay off his goddamn lawn. I think Neal's being criticized not so much for the book that he's written, but for either the book he didn't write or the one that people like to think he's written. Taken on its own merits, Alternadad is an excellent read.

So if you're an Austinite and you're not doing anything tonight, check out Neal Pollack at Book People, and watch the crowd. You never know who might be lurking.

Hint, hint.

(Schuyler and I will be there. I'm subtle like a blow to the head.)

UPDATE: We drove to the office to take care of some business, and got delayed, and then it got warm outside, which is nice for a day of hanging out together but not so much for a three hour drive. Schuyler and I decided to stay in town and have a free day instead. So change of plans. No Austin trip for us today; stalkers will have to wait for the book to come out and kill me at a signing instead. (Buy my book first, please.)

Even the cliches were fancy

Obligatory photo. It's a law, I believe.
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

The transition from going on a cool trip to returning to regular life is always a little weird, but this time it felt even more surreal. Two nights ago, I was on a kind of photographic celebrity safari. Tonight, I'm cleaning goop out of my pug's eye.

So yeah. Goodbye, California dreamin'. Hello, eye boogs.

My feelings about California after my first trip are almost entirely positive, I'm happy to say. I met many very cool people, I saw lots of swell sights, and I think I made some promising professional connections.

I spent a day in San Diego with my old friend (and best man at my wedding) Joe, who took me to see a very topical play called The Four of Us. I've been dealing with the unexpected and occasionally shitty way that finding some measure of new success as a writer can affect old friendships, so I was really happy that he found this play and thought of me. Our friendship is solid, largely because for someone who never ever writes a damned thing, Joe's an excellent writer. If that makes any sense.

And San Diego? Almost weirdly beautiful, even with the crazy tall eucalyptus tree in Balboa Park (next to the Museum of Man) that I was convinced was waiting to kill me. Seriously. If you're from San Diego, I'll bet you know the one I'm talking about, in front of the Old Globe. Lit up at night, that thing is Treezilla. I suspect it pulled itself up from the ground and is making it's way to Dallas as we speak. Man oh man oh man. It seriously gave me the willies, I can't explain why. Evil evil tree.

The one thing I wanted to mention about Los Angeles is this: people there will give you a ride at the drop of a hat. My first night there, at the media thing (which I have been told is Not To Be Blogged, so just imagine my fabulous fun), a nice girl with a very cool VW Bug that runs on biodiesel (the blend of the evening? walnut oil!) offered and gave me a ride to my hotel after talking to me for no joke, like ten seconds. Then on Monday, I asked a waiter about getting on the right bus to get to my photo shoot, and he ended up giving me a lift on his way home. And THEN, after the shoot, a remarkable woman who is one of the directors of an amazing organization called Stop Prison Rape gave me a ride. Not once did I ask or even do that shifty "Oh, if ONLY I had a ride home!" thing, either. It was so nice that it was almost creepy, although that probably just means I'm a selfish ass. At least I'm self-aware.

So, Angelinos? You are very very cool, unless you drive a taxi. In which case, you are a vampire. Seventy dollars to get from LAX to Hollywood? Thanks for the lift, Nosferatu.