I've been reading about how difficult it is to be a parent, from people with all sorts of different perspectives. I feel like I should confess something.
It isn't hard being Schuyler's parent.
She's independent, but she's respectful of us and others. She's non-verbal, but she communicates pretty clearly, and lately I swear her speech has become slightly more recognizable. She's rarely frustrating, and never loses her temper. And I find that around her, we are the same way. Schuyler is, in every way that is realistically possible, growing up to be exactly the little girl we want her to be.
Julie and I aren't perfect parents, not even close. We make mistakes, lots of them. And honestly, we're not always that good to each other as spouses. But something about the way we work together with Schuyler, and the way we interact with her individually, has worked out exactly right. I don't always see how well or poorly I do as a father, but tonight, I can see things more clearly than usual. I can see that Julie and I do okay.
We talk a lot, in probably an obnoxious way, about raising Schuyler without physically punishing her, ever. And I know not everyone agrees with that, and that's cool. I get on my high horse about corporal punishment because I think the idea of hurting a child is loathsome. I am never more of a pacifist than when it comes to children.
But here's a little confession. Another reason it's easy for us to refrain from hitting Schuyler is that Schuyler never takes us to that place. As judgmental as I can be about this topic, I must confess that I don't get tempted by the dark side very often, if ever.
We're a weird little family, and maybe not like yours. Actually, I can guarantee we're not like yours. A lot of people look at us and wonder how we function at all. I wonder the same thing myself sometimes.
The answer is Schuyler. She does her thing with a happy heart, despite her monster, and she makes the rest of us better people for knowing her. If I'm a good father, it's only because Schuyler makes me one. Because of that simple and undeniable fact, I try to be careful about judging other parents and how they do what they do. They're at a disadvantage, as far as I'm concerned. They don't have a Schuyler.
As for Julie, I'm trying to convince her to contribute to this blog. She's resistant to the idea; she remembers what a bunch of weirdos you people are, after all. I'll keep working on her, though.
13 comments:
Our son is 7, and we've *never* physically punished him in any way. He's a great kid, who behaves very well (I think partially BECAUSE we are kind to him). I was just so pleased to see you mention that possibility as someone with a site that's frequented by thousands of parents.
Anyway, so we have to be creative with our consequences. I've been trying for 5 years to get my son to put the seat down after using the toilet, no luck. I finally hit on a solution: when he leaves it up, he has to clean the toilet. He's been quite jolly about it, and has only left it up twice (compare that to last week, when he left it up 3,920 times) and tells me that having to clean the toilet when he leaves the seat up is actually working really well and helping him to remember.
Julie, contribute if only so Rob stops nagging at you to do it. Heh.
xoxo
Amen to the "no physical punishment"! I agree whole heartedley with you on this. It is *never* okay to hit someone else. The thing is, so many times when I see people spanking, it seems like it just doesn't work.
i always appreciate it when julie contributes. she should fear the weirdos, but know that there are millions of non weirdos out there who love when she contributes.
as for the punishment aspect, we used the once in a blue moon buttswipe on the boy. it's been years since i've had to even imagine doing it... hopefully it stays that way forever. And that he never gets it in his mind to hit us. I've seen teen boys (and girls) during my lifetime go apeshit on their parents. my neighbor's daughter tried to scratch her mother's eyes out. and i never once saw this mom do a single act of any sort of discipline, physical or toilet cleaning. which was probably the problem all along.
love the toilet anecdote tyrtle. nicely played. i may use it on my 9 year old boy.
Right now my husband and I are struggling with infertility. We don't know what it would like to have a chubbin of our own. But I want you to know, I want to be as good a parent as you are.
What a fabulous tribute to Schuyler! I love it when you write about what sort of person she is - your writings are a great portrait of this astonishing young individual.
And, yes, persuade Julie to contribute, but what I want to know it, can you hook Schuyler's BBoW up to Blogger and give us posts straight from her?
Man, Schuyler has the prettiest eyes, doesn't she?
Rob, I think you don't give yourself enough credit. If one doesn't automatically subscribe to the modern tenets of child psychology, then it's a philosophical question along the chicken-egg line:
do kids act outrageous and infuriating because their spanking, raging parents have conditioned them to elicit negative attention?
Or do parents magically turn into spanking ragemongers because these tiny little people are that powerful and cause it?
I believe in the former, that kids learn what they are taught, and that you and Julie simply don't teach anger and violence.
Still, if there's any chance that the answer is the latter, then you are the one that has triumphed by being the stronger person and demonstrating human responsibility.
Of course, yes, Schuyler is a fabulously-tempered kid and maybe some of that is nature... but you can't discount nurture, that maybe she is growing that way because she feels safe and comfortable in her home.
Ooooh! A blog!
Now you just need a MySpace :D (says the woman who *has* a MySpace).
Who says I don't have one?
Schuyler's story has always amazed me because she is just an amazing little girl. Your writing portrays that VERY well. Raising Schuyler with her monster seems to have a lot of similarity (and yet a lot of differences) to raising my girls.
Their monster (Down syndrome) has a different name, but some similar effects.
I never get taken to that "physical punishment" place and no matter how "bad" they could ever be, I could just never go there. Their innocence and ability to love prevent it. Always.
Thanks, Tracy.
One of these days, I'm going to repost that amazing thing you wrote about me and Schuyler for my journal.
what a sweet swet sweet thing, rob. made me so happy.
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