The Invitation Game
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Excerpt:
Sometimes I learn things about Schuyler the hard way. Important things. Things I feel like I should have figured out by myself. Often they're things she keeps to herself, little pieces of inner sadness that she silently holds in her pocket until the day comes when she hands one to me. I don't think she shares so that I can make those tiny sadnesses go away; at least I hope not, because otherwise I'm failing her miserably. I think Schuyler just wants to be heard, and for her anxieties to be aired once in a while. That seems fair.
2 comments:
The same thing happens with my son. He is normally shy and stoic at school and around other adults and kids he doesn't know. He's not an emotional kid; never has been. Unlike my daughter, he rarely get's too high or low about anything. When his grandfather died recently, he showed no emotion at all, unlike everyone else. I asked him several times, "are you ok?" After probably the third time, he finally sensed my concern and said, "you don't think I care, do you? I do, I'm just trying to be strong." It was a precious thing to say that I'll never forget. So when he came home from school one day looking sad, I asked about his day. He began crying like I have never seen him cry. It went on for probably 15 minutes. He couldn't stop even for a second to tell me what was wrong. When he finally came to, he told me the other kids at school have been being mean to him. I hate that I feel I have to tell him to be mean back, to defend himself, to stand up for himself, but I hate that he get's picked on. He's such a gem of a kid. Why should he compromise who he is just make it through the day? We raise our kids to be kind and nice to others, so he get's conflicted when I tell him, in the same breath, to be mean to kids who are picking on him. He told my wife once, "I'm so conflicted." He's starting to hate 5th grade this year. What we have decided to do is not focus so much on "how it went outside" or how it went "with the other kids." That just focuses our attention what challenges and stresses him most, not what he enjoys most and is best at - learning. He's exceptionally GATE and is bored stiff, so we've searched for and found outside resources and activities to keep him challenged - competitive swimming, computer coding and we play lots of video games together.
The same thing happens with my son. He is normally shy and stoic at school and around other adults and kids he doesn't know. He's not an emotional kid; never has been. Unlike my daughter, he rarely get's too high or low about anything. When his grandfather died recently, he showed no emotion at all even at the funeral, unlike everyone else. I asked him several times, "are you ok?" After probably the third time, he said, "you don't think I care, do you? I do, I'm just trying to be strong." It was a precious thing to say that I will never forget. I don't like that he bottles up everything inside. He came home from school one day looking sad. I asked about his day. He began crying like I have never seen him cry. It went on for probably 15 minutes. He couldn't stop even for a second to tell me what was wrong. When he finally came to, he told me the other kids at school have been being mean to him. I hate telling him it's OK to be mean back to those being mean to him and that I will support him even if he punches them. The school knows the problem but hasn't done much to help. Why should he compromise who he is just make it through the day? But I hate that others are mean to him. We raise our kids to be kind and nice to others. He told me wife once, "I'm so conflicted, you tell me to be nice all the time, then dad tells me to be mean and stand up for myself." He's starting to hate 5th grade. We have decided not focus our after-school questions on "how it went outside" or how it went "with the other kids." That just focuses attention on where he struggles rather than where he shines - academics and learning. He's exceptionally GATE and is bored stiff, so we've searched for and found outside resources and activities to keep him challenged and boost his self-esteem - competitive swimming, computer coding, distance running and playing lots of video games together.
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