Someone probably touched his nuts

Do you remember in the scary and tumultuous days following September 11, 2001, when news sites like CNN.com were so busy that the servers were overloaded? The amount of information being presented was constant, it seemed, and rapidly changing. It felt as if the world we'd known before would never return.

This morning, less than a week before the sixth anniversary of the attack, CNN.com is linking to a story from an Orlando affiliate about a new, vicious attack on innocent, God-fearing Americans.

Squirrel Attacks At Day Care

I think it is important to read between the lines here, incidentally. When a child is bitten nine times by a tiny rodent, that is a child that is grabbing said rodent.

Anyway, my favorite line, the one that made me feel like despite it all, we're all going to be okay in this grand rough world, is the last one:

"None of the injuries seem to be life-threatening, officials said."

Thank God. When squirrels kill Americans, the terrorists win.

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BREAKING NEWS: In the time it took to post this entry, they've updated the story. It is now a story about a three-year-old HOSPITALIZED because of the squirrel attack. Not so amusing now, I suppose. Apparently he was on a swing when the attack came, from a squirrel so nasty and cruel and unrelenting that it even took on a Florida Highway Patrol trooper.

So my apologies if it seems that I am not giving this scary squirrel attack the gravitas that it deserves.

Although I wouldn't be me if I didn't point out the NEW, equally delightful last line:

"The squirrel in the playground attack managed to escape."

So, you know, be vigilant, citizens.

A sad commentary on the state of the internet? Perhaps!

So this is really flattering.

As is this, once I looked up what it actually meant.

But this? That's just sad.

Anyway, thanks to whoever put me up for those. I'll try to keep my hotness in check. It hasn't been a problem for the last 39 years...

Lilly Grace

It looks like someone had a better Monday than most of us. I know Omar has indicated that he doesn't intend to write a lot about life as a new father, but I hope he doesn't make good on that intention.

Congratulations, Omar and Rebecca. Welcome to the good part.

Trailer

(NOTE: UPDATED 7/18)

So the big thing these days is apparently book trailers, which are exactly what they sound like: little video trailers for upcoming book releases. There are some pretty amazing ones out there, and there are some that are just awful. Mostly, I seem to find the bad ones. There's a reason we're writers and not filmmakers.

Be that as it may, I decided to try my hand at making a trailer for my book. I'm not convinced that this isn't cheesy and awful, but at least I was honest enough with myself to cut it down from my original version, which had voice-overs that could best be described as "seemed like a good idea at the time". I think my original idea suffered from the same thing that a lot of these book trailers suffer from, in my opinion. I was trying too hard. Way too hard.

I may be trying too hard with this version, too. I'll have to look at it in the morning and see how I feel about it then.



(UPDATE: Okay, this is an updated version, with some changes suggested by you. I think I like it a little better, and although I liked the Debussy, I think I was perhaps the only one. Let's see if Chopin fairs any better.)

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(UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I kept all the other changes, but I restored the Debussy, for no better reason than the fact that it's one of my favorite pieces of music in the whole wide world (or at least the parts of the world where copyright lawyers don't send me email.) I find it to be lovely and ethereal and, you know, doodly in all the right places. Doodly is important.)

Love your pets

So I got a surprise comment left on a previous entry, Things to do in Plano, from none other than the brother of the monkey guy himself.

Believe me, you've missed most of the story on this one. For the whole truth, and to see why you've all been suckered into taking part in character assassination of a really nice man, go check out www.savedarwin.com.

In the interest of fairness, you can go check out the rest of the story. I will say that as I read what's on the site, I honestly think there are a lot of holes in the story, but you can judge for yourself.

(Perhaps this might be a good time to read up on why having a pet monkey is a phenomenally bad idea. I haven't read the whole site, so I don't know if it addresses something I've always heard, that little tiny boy monkeys will jump up on your shoulder and have sex with your ear. Maybe that's best left a mystery.)

So here you go. Let it never be said that I don't provide both sides of the story. Or that I'm not here to meet all your scandalous monkey love needs. You're welcome.

Boring but brief

Two quick operational notes:

1) Apple's iWeb application makes pretty websites, by golly, so I've been using it for my other nonbloggerly pages. The problem is that it's not easily customizable, and if you're not hosting your site on Apple's servers, things like blog comments don't work without third party (or possible divine) intervention.

Well, I found a way to do it, I think, using my old HaloScan comment account from my journal. So far it doesn't seem to function consistently, however, and it formats weirdly. I'm still trying to tweak it. Still, it appears to be working, kind of sort of maybe perhaps, so if there's anything that you ever wanted to comment on or abuse me for over at the book blog, now's your chance.

(Someone also told me that the "comments" link doesn't actually look like a link. Perhaps I am going to have to break up with iWeb soon.)

2) In the next week or so, the name and URL of this blog will be changing, in part for boring legal reasons and also to bring it into parallel with the book site. The content and feel won't change (not sure if that's good news or just... news), so not a huge deal. Once it changes, this URL should still take you here, so I won't just disappear. Just a little heads up.

Daniel's Monster

Sometimes it's easy to feel like Schuyler is the only kid in the world with her particular monster. Statistically, that's almost true, really. It's rare, so rare that without the internet, the chances are excellent that we would never hear about another kid in the world with Bilateral Perisylvian Polymicrogyria.

We would have never read about Daniel John-Maxwell Spranger.

Daniel suffers from Schuyler's monster, but his monster seems bigger, and meaner. At the age of 17 months, Daniel can't walk or talk, his hands don't work properly and he can't eat unassisted. I like to think that Daniel is young enough that it's impossible to say "never" about any of those things; when Schuyler was his age, we were just figuring out that something was wrong. In Daniel's case, however, his parents found out earlier because his symptoms are more severe than Schuyler's.

Daniel also suffers from Infantile Spasms, or West Syndrome. It's a severe form of epilepsy that can result in literally hundreds of seizures every day and can cause chronic epilepsy, mental retardation and a variety of other developmental issues. Daniel's brain is about 80% affected by his monster. Think about that for a moment. Think about how hard that little guy has to work to do what he does. THAT'S a fighter.

I bring all this up because Daniel's family is fighting their monster, and if Schuyler's monster is a T-Rex, Daniel's monster is Godzilla. One reason I wrote my book was to help others in a similar situation, and so I'd be remiss if I didn't do so right here as well.

Daniel's family could use some help, just like we needed help and just like you helped us. On their site, you'll find a page called Donations for Daniel. They are raising money for medical expenses, therapy, medical equipment (including wheelchairs and walkers), meds, hospital bills, and even an AAC speech device, this time from a company called DynaVox that makes a line of devices similar to Schuyler's Big Box of Words.

Almost two years ago, you people changed a little girl's life and brought her hope, and that hope continues to bloom every day. Schuyler was a true internet success story. I hope you'll do what you can to make lightning strike twice on the same monster.

Thanks for indulging me.

Boring McWriterson

Boring McWriterson
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I know it's been a week since I've updated, and honestly, this isn't going to be much of an entry, not compared to the one I'd like to write. The hour is late, and I'm working on the book pretty much most of the time now anyway, including like ten minutes ago and about five minutes from now. But there are two things I wanted to tell you.

1) A comment was left on my last entry letting me know that there was a blurb about me (apparently generated by the Publishers Weekly article) in the Sunday Free Press in Winnipeg, a city that, for those of you who are a product of the American public schools like me, is in Canada. How cool is that? I'm NEWS, baby. Canadian news, no less.

2) In order to keep from cluttering up this fine fine blog with news and jabber about the book, I've created a book site over at SchuylersMonster.com. I keep reading how authors are expected to take up more and more of the promotional duties for their work, and I'm getting an early jump on it. I've been looking at different author sites, and I think this is pretty well in line with what's out there.

Just so you know, it's not all sassy and chaotic like this blog. I do not believe I shall be dropping the F-bomb over there with such Lebowskiesque abandon, for example. It's a professional endeavor, after all, with the single purpose of promoting the book. St. Martin's Press is taking a risk on a new writer like me, and I'm certainly going to do everything I can to make sure their investment pays off.

Am I a sell-out? Well, I don't know. It's my book, after all. It would be pretty stupid of me not to start doing everything I can to make it a success starting now. Besides, you know the reason I never sold out before? No one was buying.

Anyway, if you're interested in following the progress of the book, I'll be doing most of that talk over there. There's even a blog. I'm fancy!

I know smart people.

Woo!
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

There are some people that, when they get published, you secretly wonder down in your (my?) cold, jealous heart how they got the Golden Ticket while you're still stuck writing for your company newsletter and accumulating the "thanks but no thanks" letters.

And then there are the ones for whom there is no doubt whatsoever why they are meeting with success.

Congratulations, Campbell Award-winner John Scalzi! Keep on keepin' on.

Technical Note

Quickly, if you are sending email to me at rhudson@digitalism.com, you are sending them into a black hole. It appears to be dead, and dead for good. Delete that address from your address books and coldly banish it from your hearts forever.

On the other hand, rob@darn-tootin.com and rhudsonphoto@gmail.com work splendidly.

Okay, back to what you were doing. More from me soon, after this adrenaline-fueled frenzy of book prep runs its course...

Too Far

The Eruption, by Luke Chueh
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Okay, so if you didn't see it, there was an ugly incident in the comments area of my last (and now deleted) entry. A bunch of people from a private forum showed up and piled on, and I approved all of them in the interest of trying to be fair (and interesting, to be honest). Some of them were sort of nasty, calling Schuyler a brat and bully, but whatever. I know Schuyler, and enough of you have met her or know her and know she's neither, so it was more amusing than anything else. Hateful people have their own internal monologue, and God bless 'em for it. I hope the sky in their world is a pretty color.

But then it happened.

Rob, I just want you to know that if I ever see your kid in public (and since you've nicely told everyone where you live, that shouldn't be too hard to arrange), I'm not going to wait for her to attack. I'm going to beat the shit out of her right then and there and see if she learns a lesson.

And that was it. That was the line. That was the first and last time anyone will ever threaten Schuyler on this website. I'm not sure how we're going to address this, since my presence on the web is part of what is being sold to editors by my agent. Going away completely feels like an overreaction.

But things will have to be different. For now, I'm going to go through and delete all the references to where we live, and I'm hiding (and turning off) the comments. That's obviously not going to stop anyone who's already been reading and preparing to beat the shit out of a six year-old, but it's a start. Today wouldn't have happened if not for the mob mentality and the piling on. I won't provide the platform for that kind of thing.

As soon as I saw the comment, I called Julie on the very remote chance that this threat was more than just someone trying to be an ass and going too far, which is honestly what I think it was. I needed her to be a little extra aware and vigilant.

From her reaction, I can tell whoever it was that left that comment, as well as your hateful friends, that you can be certain of one thing.

If you do actually try to harm our daughter, it will end tragically, and not for Schuyler or for us.

Julie and I can't be any more clear than that.

I'll be back when I know what to do here.

Blast from the past

Schuyler and Julie, 2002
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

(I tried to figure out how to embed this video in this post, but my brain went "Bzzzzt" fairly quickly.)

I was cleaning off an old drive and stumbled across this little Quicktime video of Schuyler during the summer of 2002, when she was about two and a half.

Good lord, she's grown a lot.

That was back before we knew about her monster, or how profoundly it was going to change her world (and ours) one short year later. It's weird, thinking back on that time.

Podzilla

A quick note to say that I have been featured once again over at the very cool Quirky Nomads, so if you'd like to hear me mutter my way through a blog entry (and really, why wouldn't you?), go give it a listen.

And I'd like to thank Sage for editing out the part where I said that my blog was "available online, which is where you'll find most blogs, I think". Although I'll always share my more idiotic moments with you fine folks.

Butthead

Butthead
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Over at Diabetes Notes, I'm joining the rest of the Science & Health blogs on b5media.com in talking about smoking issues today.

I'd like to pretend that I'm telling you this so you can go over and see what everyone has to say and maybe learn a little something to help you become a healthier person.

But really, I just wanted to use this graphic created by the CDC. It makes me stupid happy.

My rapidly expanding ego will soon eat your town.

Rob
Originally uploaded by Inkygirl.

And as if that last thing from Jen wasn't cool enough, check out this very nice entry by one of my favorite artists, Debbie Ohi. Look at that, it's me! I've been drawn by a few people in my lifetime (and I'm not just talking about on the bathroom wall in high school), but I think it's safe to say that this is my favorite.

Here's the part that makes me the happiest. Like Jen and her wonderful gift yesterday, Debbie didn't tell me she was doing this, or even that she'd done it. I was wandering through my flickr contacts and saw that she'd posted a new entry in her Little Nightmares series. I love this series; one day I am going to buy as many prints from it as I can. (This is my favorite so far.) As I was looking at it, I glanced at the little Previous Photo window.

"Hey, that's me!" thought me.

And then I followed the link and the rest is history. Or, you know, a blog entry, anyway.

Artsy Fartsy

Schuyler's Monster
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Do you want to know why the internet is cool? Do you?

I got an amazing gift in the mail today, from my friend Jen. She had it drawn by her brother Tom Owens, an animator and storyboard artist at Dreamworks. I had no idea what she was up to until it arrived. I'm hanging it in my office tomorrow. I only regret that I don't have a scanner large enough to properly share it with you.

What an awesome way to start the week. Beats the crap out of last week.

And... we're live.

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am now officially The Man over at Diabetes Notes.

I want to take this opportunity to publicly thank Hsien-Hsien Lei and Rhys Alexander, the two people most responsible for gettting me on board over at b5media. Go check out their work, too. Good good stuff.

So that's all I had this morning. Please stop by and see me sometime. I think this is going to be fun. Hsien didn't even blink when I asked if I could use "Smart living with a dumb pancreas" as the blog's tagline. That's a good sign.

I'll shut up now, because as a wise man once said, "Nobody likes a kissass."

Mister Fancy Pants Pro Blogger

self
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Well, it's been announced on another site now, so I can tell you the thing I was being all vague about the other day. Beginning in May, I will become the host of Diabetes Notes, a diabetes blog (well, yeah, you think?) on b5media, "a blogging network by bloggers from around the world covering the subjects they are most passionate about". Well, there you go. I think I'm pretty passionate about diabetes, even if my passion is in exclaiming "Lo, the Beedies, they doth suck my ass."

The folks at b5media have been very cool and seem excited about having me on board. I'm excited, too, even though at this point, my experience with diabetes is more akin to a cautionary tale than an expert opinion. Well, perhaps that's the draw. I think I've accepted the possibility of becoming a trainwreck, particularly if I'm getting paid. Perhaps I'll have a weekly feature called "Don't Eat This!"

So watch for my debut in May. I can't wait to talk about the gila monster drool again.

Talking about stuff

Us XIX
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I got interviewed!

The site is a diabetic blog, and so most of the questions were about my own experiences with the Beedies. I've done some interviews in the past where the questions made me cringe, but this time around I really liked them, and I tried to answer them as honestly as I could. I don't think I came across as particularly knowledgeable, which of course is sadly accurate, but at the very least I hope I seemed like a nice enough guy who might just get his diabetic crap together before someone has to saw off his feet. In any case, I was very pleased with how it turned out, and it might just lead to some more cool stuff. I'm being vague about that last bit because I know it pisses you off.

It's been a weird few days for me. Yesterday I had an outright bad day. I keep reading that it's bad for diabetics to skip meals, and yesterday I discovered that yes, it is in fact not a good idea for diabetics, or at least this diabetic, to go all day without eating. About the time I left work for the long drive home, my energy dropped dramatically, my feet started to feel like someone was stabbing them with knives, and I got dizzy. As soon as I walked in the door, I fell on the bed and passed out for about half an hour.

Julie found me and (with some effort) woke me up, and I groggily took my blood sugar, expecting it to be badly elevated. Weirdly, though, it was unusually low, almost where it was supposed to me. I had dinner and almost instantly felt much better. I have no idea what happened, although I am pretty sure it was high and then dropped like crazy for some reason. What reason? Who the hell knows? Not me.

So yeah, my body has become a mysterious and hostile organism. Today I didn't mess around. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I got some exercise with Schuyler, who was home from school thanks to the kickoff of Zombie Jesus Weekend. I bought her a little pink soccer ball for three bucks, and it was worth every one of those three hundred pennies. I feel normal tonight, healthy even.

So there's one more bit of advice that didn't make it into the interview. Eat some damn food.

The Seedy Side of eBay

Forbidden naughty shoes
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I finally listed my used Vans and Chuck Taylors on eBay this weekend. It's the first time I've ever listed something on eBay, but I believe I got it mostly right. I think I was pretty straight-forward in my descriptions of the shoes. I don't think anyone is going to open a box and say "Hey, wait a minute. These aren't new!"

Here's what you won't see there, however. There are two pairs of shoes that I listed that I described as "well worn". I didn't pull any punches about their condition, but I listed them because in both cases, when I've worn them in public, I've had people ask about them and tell me that they aren't in production anymore. One of them, a pair of black checkered Vans high tops (yeah, Vans, not Converse) have been especially coveted.

When I went to eBay check on how things were going, I found that these shoes had been deleted. I wasn't 100% shocked, since I know they have rules about the condition of used clothes that are being sold, and while I've seen some nasty nasty stuff listed on eBay, these were pretty worn out shoes I was listing.

What puzzled me was the reason for the deletion, which occurred due to "miscategorization":

Materials adult in nature or otherwise not appropriate for minors (individuals under 18 years of age) may only be listed in eBay's Mature Audiences area.

Wow. It didn't even occur to me to market directly to that lucrative shoe fetish crowd.