From the comments to my last post:(After a six paragraph rant about the eeeevils of Socialism)
If Rob was a true socialist as he says he is, he does say he has a socialist heart. So I feel safe in making that assumption.
So Rob, will you keep the profits that you have earned in an honorable fashion from the sale of the book or hand them over to the state? Do you really have a socialist heart or are you just playing make-believe?
That's a fabulous question, thanks for asking! Here's the scoop!
No, I am not a Socialist, or a Marxist, or a Communist. (Is anyone anymore, really? Outside of places like South America or Albania?) What is perhaps confusing you in this instance is my use of Humor. In the past, I've been called a Socialist by conservative readers for a number of progressive positions I've taken. The most notable instance occurred when I argued in an admittedly ill-considered guest post on PajamasMedia that kids with special needs deserve an equal education and at least the option of a mainstream education in the public schools for which we all pay with our taxes.
The accusation was so funny to me that I began to sarcastically refer to myself as a Socialist, the humor (at least to me) originating in the idea that I was somehow a bad American, a Socialist and (best of all) an elitist because my political and social beliefs differed from theirs.
It was, in other words, a Joke.
The term "joke" is defined by Wikipedia as "a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous". The definition goes on to set out the antiquity, anthropology and psychology of these jokes and even outlining the rules that govern them and the different types of jokes that can typically be found.
Whew! That's complicated!
I realize now how confusing my use of these so-called Jokes can be, so I've decided to explain a few more of them, ones that I know I've used in the past.
OTHER JOKES THAT I HAVE MADE THAT DO NOT ACTUALLY REFLECT THE TRUTH:
- Although she communicates using an electronic device and a synthetic voice, Schuyler is not actually a cyborg. She is not half human, half robot. In fact, the percentage of Schuyler's body that consists of any robotics whatsoever is exactly zero.
- Furthermore, Schuyler does not actually speak Martian.
- In fact, to the best of my knowledge or that of the scientific community at large, there is no such language as Martian. (Note: This could be disproven at a later date.)
- I did actually purchase new pants shortly before my book was published, after I forgot to pack mine when I took Schuyler to New York City to meet with my publisher. The pants I purchased, however, were in no way actually Fancy Pants, aside from coming from the Gap in Times Square and being priced accordingly. In reality, I do not own a pair of so-called "Fancy Pants", and I do not believe that I am actually a Fancy Pants Author, not even by virtue of metaphorical Fancy Pants, or some sort of "Fancy Pants of the Mind".
- I do not own a Cloak of Invisibility, nor do I believe people who ignore me in public places such as the mall or the Department of Motor Vehicles do so because I am actually invisible. I will not, therefore, don this Cloak of Invisibility in order to fight crime.
- When a car or truck on the highway in front of me drifts across the lanes with abandon, I do not in fact believe that the driver of said vehicle is the Flying Dutchman, doomed to wander the roads for all eternity.
- I do not actually believe that my car, Atomo, is "the Air-conditioned Hellcar of the Apocalypse", and I have no plans to drive it across a barren wasteland, Mad Max-style, following the inevitable collapse of our civilization.
- I also do not believe that my previous car, a VW Beetle known as "Beelzebug", was really the Devil or was in any way affiliated with Satan or any supernatural being associated with darkness or evil. (Note: The Volkswagen Corporation doesn't count, as they are not, by definition, a supernatural entity.)
- I do not actually believe that Christianity is a zombie cult, or that Jesus is an Imaginary Friend. (Note: Actually, I kind of do. I'm sorry.)
- Although I claim to quote from its pages from time to time, I do not believe there is actually a publication called The Journal of No Shit.
- In reality, I do not believe that the term "differently abled" refers to children with superhero talents such as the ability to fly.
- Although I publicly claimed otherwise, I would not have actually voted for John McCain in the last presidential election if he had used the words "dagnabbit", "new-fangled" or "old-timey" in any of the debates.
- I did not really believe that the tornado sirens in Collin County, Texas would go off as soon as the voting machine registered my vote for Barack Obama.
- I do not believe that every conservative Republican is a humorless pinhead, and will continue to make that determination on a case-by-case basis.
I hope this clears up any confusion, and thanks for writing!
42 comments:
Brilliant. From a fellow "socialist." And the quote marks are purposeful for all those reading the comments.
As a junior editor of The Journal of No Shit, I take exception to your insistence that our fine periodical does not exist. Please rectify this libel immediately, else I shall be forced to subject you to the attentions of our legal department, which is well-staffed by thin, stripy men with menacing briefcases.
This is my favorite post of yours so far...thanks for making me laugh so early in the morning! (Humor is apparently a "trickssy" little item for people to grasp!) Please don't stop being sarcastic or funny--that's what reminds me it's okay to laugh once in awhile! That's something parents of special needs kiddos don't always get. Bravo!
You're Welcome.
This post should come with a "don't drink hot coffee while reading lest thou break into serious fits of laughter" warning.
You're the best. I cannot believe someone would actually take the time to contact you with such a lengthy rant about the "evils" of socialism and how you may or may not be one.
Who are these people, and how can I obtain the free time that they have? Oh, I'd probably have to quit my job to do that.
I hope I don't get lectured for this, but I don't know why Americans are SO afraid of governments that are different from their own. And why people get flamed for even daring to suggest taking mere elements from other governments and introducing it into ours.
I'm not saying I'm for a total government changeover, (I really don't understand how China can be SO aggressively 'for the good of the country') I just think we shouldn't outcast people for thinking differently. Isn't that what America was founded on?
I don't get what's so awful about being a socialist. I mean, you shouldn't go around committing human rights violations and whatnot, but the true basic core of socialism isn't good or bad any more than capitalism.
Anyway, the question is nonsense because we don't live in a socialist nation. Most of the profits from your book go to a corporation, and you get a little of what's left. The government takes the rest.
For you to hand your portion of the profits to the government doesn't make sense. It would be better for you to hand it to poor people. Or for your publisher to hand it to the government.
Yeah, I'm a lot of fun at parties.
I think the people who don't think socialism isn't a bad thing have not done enough reading on the subject. We'll be getting a taste for it in their lifetimes, though, so then they will know.
Some of the comments just go to show, Rob, that you can lead a reader to humor but you can't make them think! ;-)
Thanks for the full belly laugh on a crappy Monday morning; I needed this. Now I can go start my day for real. :-)
I'm peeing my (fancy) pants. Well done, sir.
Schuyler is totally going to vaporize you and your fancy pants when she hears you're claiming she's not really a cyborg.
Oh, my God, I needed that today. Hands down the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Beat the crap out of ever Super Bowl commercial, anyway. ;-) (Dear NFL- please don't sue me.)
Sarcasm works well for you.
Re speaking Martian, have you read David Gerrold's "The Martian Child"?
It is nice to have something entertaining to read on a Monday morning. Thank you. You brightened my day.
Oh, well done! (and hilarious)
Love this post! I also loved the book. BTW, if you don't listen to the Stephanie Miller show, you should look it up. Funny political stuff for "socialists" like us.
Laura
As a European who lives in a somewhat socialist country I do find many Americans' fear of anything relating to socialism to be really odd. Is this still the 50s where the big bad Soviet Union is used to scare children?
Socialism does not mean that you just give all of your money to the state. Even USA has socialist elements - you have a public police force, fire department and libraries, to name a few things and yet somehow people still have their own money too.
Those folks who label progressives as socialists just don't have enough imagination. :)
I feel so at home with you people.
I really, really needed to laugh today. Thank you.
You are laugh-a-matic dangnapit! And you gave me a great idea to steal for my Journal of Unintended Consequences which I brought to life as a blog. Oh, but The Journal of No Shit? That's brilliant. I might have to make that a reality, too.
Ha. Still laughing here.
LMAO!!! omg, i love you.
You need to add a bullet about not actually, believing that Schuyler was a grub when she was a wee cluster of cells.
You rock the catbox, Rob!!
What about the Karmic Boomerang, though? THAT really exists, right?
So, I just wrote a blog post (where I ranted and raved like a lunatic about facebook) and sort of posted it to it. Now I'm just waiting to be trolled (I'm pretty sure I'm going to offend about 75% of the people who are listed as my friends). So I'm going to be studying your blogs thoroughly for how you handle silly people. I think this one is a fairly good start.
And "Loves Pickles" Isn't it Casbah? I could be wrong?
So what was that about, exactly?
"Rock the catbox" is a play on "Rock the Casbah"
For further explanation read here slowly:
http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/2009/02/in-which-author-clarifies-important.html
Seriously, Johnny? Again?
I think this sad experiment in unmoderated comments is about to come to an inglorious conclusion, folks.
I posted political comments on a political thread. If that gets me kicked off... like I said it's your joint... all you have to do is ask to leave and I will.
But let me pretend to be a victim here so I can maybe garner some leftist sympathy.
I gave an opinion. I was immediately jumped on by Jenn and called an out of work, bad spelling, worse grammaring, ranter. Ironically Jenn has posted here waaaaay more than me, during business hours to boot.
So my political comment on a political thread gets me the honor of being the foil of a RobRant.
Frankly, I'm honored.
That was the same as the coach yelling "dogpile" and hoping the unpopular kid ends up on the bottom... to which all your groupies dutifully obliged.
Suave, I can take it.
Maybe for your next trick you can get them to wash your car, carry your bags, or nurse your next goopy toe.
You don't promise equal time, nobody says you have to. But I think it says alot more about you and your groupies than it does about me when you and you pick up the ball and go home just because someone expresses a different opinion.
Actually I marvel at how your groupies swarm. How you keep from abusing that power is beyond me because I do not think I could do it. I would never carry another suitcase again.
If this is it for johnnyfriegas on this site so be it. I've been kicked out of fancier joints.
The next time I go down Grandview I'll ask touchdown Jesus to take it easy on you.
Okay, it's a slow night, I'll play this one more time.
I gave an opinion. I was immediately jumped on by Jenn and called an out of work, bad spelling, worse grammaring, ranter. Ironically Jenn has posted here waaaaay more than me, during business hours to boot.
You gave many opinions on multiple comment threads. Or rather, you gave the same opinion over and over on two threads. And it wasn't until you began to become the loudest voice on every thread, including one that had nothing to do with politics, that I said anything. And I didn't delete any of your comments, and I STILL haven't deleted any of them.
When you disagree with me or anyone else, you are enjoying the right to a free exchange of ideas, a fine tradition that makes our country grand. When someone disagrees with you, you're jumped on viciously by snarling groupies, a sad little puppy who has been teased and kicked. You either need a flag or a tissue, depending on which way it's going down at the moment.
So my political comment on a political thread gets me the honor of being the foil of a RobRant.
No. It wasn't your politics I made fun of. It was the fact that you didn't get an obvious joke, one that a child would recognize as such. You opened the door for me to make with the funny, and I did. You didn't think it was funny? That's okay. I can't imagine it would hurt you to learn that you were not in fact my target audience.
That was the same as the coach yelling "dogpile" and hoping the unpopular kid ends up on the bottom... to which all your groupies dutifully obliged.
Nope. You said something dumb and I made fun of you for it. I neither asked for nor particularly cared about any particular reaction. It was an easy cheap laugh, and you set yourself up for it. How much dogpiling do you think I really needed? I mean, I'm not going to pretend it was nice, or even fair. But it worked just fine without any help from anyone. People thought it was funny, but that must be because they are members of my Army of Groupies? My groupies? Really? Is there possibly an alternative explanation you can think of, Johnny?
You don't promise equal time, nobody says you have to. But I think it says alot more about you and your groupies than it does about me when you and you pick up the ball and go home just because someone expresses a different opinion.
Oh, bullshit. I didn't take my ball and go home, and I certainly didn't ever, in any way, attempt to silence your differing opinion. But GOD, Johnny! Say something intelligent, say something stupid, but Jesus H. F. Christ, say something NEW. You've clearly figured out how to use Blogger, and yet, instead of creating "johnnysaysthesamedamnthingoverandover.com", you keep doing it here, on whatever thread you happen across, without even the barest nod towards the idea of relevance or having something new to contribute. And for some reason, I am either expected to let you turn my blog into Johnny's Bitchy Not-Very-Funhouse, or risk your judgment as someone who can't take your withering counter-opinion.
I don't care about your different opinion, Johnny. But you're committing what I consider to be the one unforgivable sin. You are being boring.
Actually I marvel at how your groupies swarm. How you keep from abusing that power is beyond me because I do not think I could do it. I would never carry another suitcase again.
If this is it for johnnyfriegas on this site so be it. I've been kicked out of fancier joints.
Are you really this much of a crybaby?
The next time I go down Grandview I'll ask touchdown Jesus to take it easy on you.
Your conversations with fictional characters really don't concern me either way. But don't be surprised if the voices in your head eventually ask you if you're done talking yet.
This post totally cracked me up, Rob. Nicely done!
~Meg in L.A.
Um, leaving Johnny aside a moment...I saw the "rock the catbox" thing wasn't answered, and I can help with that...
I forget what it was an ad for, but it featured two guys singing The Clash's "Rock the Casbah", only they both mis-heard the lyrics in different ways. One heard it as "stop the cashbox" and one heard it as "block the catbox." They briefly consulted with each other about what the words may be, and went with "block the catbox."
May be a riff on that.
In fact, to the best of my knowledge or that of the scientific community at large, there is no such language as Martian. (Note: This could be disproven at a later date.)
My ex-husband when he managed to speak spoke it perfectly.
When a car or truck on the highway in front of me drifts across the lanes with abandon, I do not in fact believe that the driver of said vehicle is the Flying Dutchman, doomed to wander the roads for all eternity.
Not flying Dutchman tis aforementioned ex-husband.
I do not actually believe that my car, Atomo, is "the Air-conditioned Hellcar of the Apocalypse", and I have no plans to drive it across a barren wasteland, Mad Max-style, following the inevitable collapse of our civilization.
Ya know you should!! Carpe Diem.
Let me be the first to say...
Oooh! Rob that was magnificent as always.
Brilliant.
You're the best.
Hear. Hear.
Okay, if The Journal of No Shit doesn't exist, who's cashing those subscription checks I've been sending every year? Huh? HUH?
And regardless of its origins, "rock the catbox" is flat hilarious. But I wouldn't recommend doing it while the cat is in there. Because ... well, you know.
Oh! Sorry, queencallipygos, I think I scrolled right by that.
All I have to say is that I am extremely disappointed.
All this time I really thought you had at least one pair of really fancy pants.
And in my mind they were gold lame*....
Shannon
*umm, that's "la-mey", not "lame" - but I'm too lazy to figure out how to put the little emphasis thingie on there
Funny stuff, and true. Sadly, we'll be seeing the epithet "socialist" tossed around much more frequently, and carelessly in the days/weeks ahead. Of course, many of the folks making these claims might concur with Phil Gramm's assessment that America is a "nation of whiners"... (and think: this genius was going to be McCain's right hand man on economic matters!)
You go, Rob! Loved this post.
Pam
"* I do not believe that every conservative Republican is a humorless pinhead."
Oh, good. I've decided I'm probably not a Republican, but I am very, very conservative indeed, and I've loved your blog and your book well enough that it would make me sad to be considered a humorless pinhead.
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