I'm too sexy for my shoes

Off the Wall
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Well, almost two weeks after the fact (and a week after all my shoes were sold and shipped off), I got a response from eBay about my naughty shoe listing. I thought it was funny at the time because it seemed pretty obvious that in explaining why they delisted a couple of shoes from my auction, they accidentally sent the "Materials adult in nature or otherwise not appropriate for minors (individuals under 18 years of age) may only be listed in eBay's Mature Audiences area" response instead of "Your shoes are too nasty to sell to other humans".

Turns out that no, they got it right.

Hello,

Thank you for writing to eBay with your concerns. I am happy to help.

I understand your frustration at having your items ended, however, I carefully reviewed your account, the auctions in question and current eBay policy regarding Used Clothing/Mature Audiences and determined that the correct action was taken.

Since there are sellers who list shoes as fetish items, eBay has adopted strict guidelines for the listing of used shoes.

The following are some examples of what is considered inappropriate in listings on the general site:

* Marketing the person who wore the clothing, rather than the clothing item itself. ("TYLER'S used/worn shoes", "MY used socks", "JOCK WORN/USED", "FRAT BOY WORN/USED", "I have worn this shirt daily as I work out", etc.).

* Any reference to odor or stains.

* No reference to "fetish", "special request" or other sexual innuendo is allowed.

* Indicating the item has not been or will not be properly cleaned (any reference to odor, shipping in a zip lock bag, etc.).

* Images showing the sellers face, whole body or that are sexually suggestive or otherwise inappropriate. In listings for used shoes or socks, the image cannot show above the knee, and the foot must be totally inside of the item being sold (no bare foot in a sock auction; no foot outside shoe even partially, in a shoe auction, etc.).

Any extraneous information such as "Then, about a year ago, my feet started hurting. For some reason, I suddenly couldn't wear my Chuck Taylors or my Vans, forced instead to retreat into the comfort of my big leather Airwalks instead. A few weeks ago, I found out that I have diabetes and will never again be able to wear my hip and happenin' shoes from before. Sad story, I know. Every time I walk into my closet, my old shoes are there, mocking me. It's time to get rid of them and move on with my new life, one with trips to the salad bar and fake foods and no alcohol (no, really), and most of all, with ugly new shoes for my big sad diabetic feet. But don't weep for me, gentle buyer friend with unusually large feet, because my fun happy shoes are going to walk again, perhaps on YOUR big dogs."

It has been my pleasure to assist you. Thank you for choosing eBay and have a great day.

Regards,

Ralston
Community Watch Team
eBay Trust & Safety

So really, according to the rules, NONE of my shoes should have been fair game. I managed to slip most of my fetish items past The Man and into the hands of sleazy shoe-fuckers. I made a little money, too. Add pornographer to my list of accomplishments.

Incidentally, if you did buy a pair of my shoes and are currently in a relationship with them, you really are encouraged to keep that information to yourself. I'm just here to bring you together. After that, it's all you.

Talking about stuff

Us XIX
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I got interviewed!

The site is a diabetic blog, and so most of the questions were about my own experiences with the Beedies. I've done some interviews in the past where the questions made me cringe, but this time around I really liked them, and I tried to answer them as honestly as I could. I don't think I came across as particularly knowledgeable, which of course is sadly accurate, but at the very least I hope I seemed like a nice enough guy who might just get his diabetic crap together before someone has to saw off his feet. In any case, I was very pleased with how it turned out, and it might just lead to some more cool stuff. I'm being vague about that last bit because I know it pisses you off.

It's been a weird few days for me. Yesterday I had an outright bad day. I keep reading that it's bad for diabetics to skip meals, and yesterday I discovered that yes, it is in fact not a good idea for diabetics, or at least this diabetic, to go all day without eating. About the time I left work for the long drive home, my energy dropped dramatically, my feet started to feel like someone was stabbing them with knives, and I got dizzy. As soon as I walked in the door, I fell on the bed and passed out for about half an hour.

Julie found me and (with some effort) woke me up, and I groggily took my blood sugar, expecting it to be badly elevated. Weirdly, though, it was unusually low, almost where it was supposed to me. I had dinner and almost instantly felt much better. I have no idea what happened, although I am pretty sure it was high and then dropped like crazy for some reason. What reason? Who the hell knows? Not me.

So yeah, my body has become a mysterious and hostile organism. Today I didn't mess around. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I got some exercise with Schuyler, who was home from school thanks to the kickoff of Zombie Jesus Weekend. I bought her a little pink soccer ball for three bucks, and it was worth every one of those three hundred pennies. I feel normal tonight, healthy even.

So there's one more bit of advice that didn't make it into the interview. Eat some damn food.

Ugh.

Hey, you know how sometimes you just feel down? Like all the little bullshit life things just catch up to you all at once?

That's sort of how I'm feeling these days, on top of not physically doing as well as I want to be.

You know, I joke about being old, fat and drunk, and eating a bunch of crap, but the truth is that according to Dr. Hottie and the diabetes literature, I'm relatively young for diabetes, I only need to lose about twenty pounds, and my diet? Well, yeah, that was pretty bad, but I've never smoked and I haven't been a big drinker for a few years.

All of this is good in the sense that being old and fat is generally considered to be a Bad Thing. I'm no doctor, but ask any old fat person and I'll bet they'll tell you it sucks.

But the bad thing is that my diabetes is probably mostly due to genetics, according to my doctor. (And don't forget, she's hot, so you know she can be trusted.) My father died from his, despite the fact that he was slim and athletic, never smoked and drank only occasionally, in that Texas good ol' boy, "drink a beer while watching the ballgame" sort of way. He was the quarterback in high school and was a coach until the day he died, and yet his diabetes and his heart killed him at the age of 51.

My point is not to be all maudlin about my father (although I get that way this time of year, near the anniversary of his death), but rather to point out that if I were diabetic solely because of my unhealthy lifestyle, I could just change my lifestyle and go a long way towards getting healthy. This might be trickier than I thought, though. Changing the way I live is going to help, but it might not have the drastic improvement that I'm hoping for. Keeping my blood sugar down is hard, and it's not down where it should be by now, and I feel a little like I'm swimming upstream.

But I'll keep trying and keep eating better and exercising more and trying to stay positive about my own health even as I continue to try to help Schuyler (who's having some reading problems in school, as we always feared she would, although really, how do they know, you know?). And I'll try to stay positive about every other little personal thing that comes up in the same way they come up for every person in the world.

But I've got to tell you, just here lately, it's been wearing me down. It won't for long; I'm Chumbawamba, you know.

An All Star no more

Purple Chucks
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

The end of an era is nigh. I'm getting rid of my crazy cool hipster shoes.

A few years ago, back when we lived in Connecticut and I had a fancy university job (well, at least that's come full circle), I wrote an entry about my shoe love. There was a time when all I wore were fun tennis shoes, mostly Converse Chuck Taylors and Vans. They were the item of choice when I was in need of retail therapy, and they gave me the illusion of youth. Say what you will about me, but I was a Fun Shoe Guy.

I haven't been able to wear my Chuck Taylors for about a year now, not for any length of time, and since I got my diagnosis, I now know why. I've recently embraced the Way of the Gimp Shoe, although I went with the New Balance which, in addition to being doctor-approved for younger beedies patients with early onset neuropathy issues, are cheaper and much less sad and gimply than the actual medical diabetic shoes. I now have two pairs of shoes that I can wear, as well as my old ugly leather slip-ons. And that's cool, I can deal with that. If I can quit drinking, I can quit wearing fun shoes. (As for the drinking thing, my pancreas is an evil little monster for taking away my booze. Just so you know. I'm a hoot at social gatherings now, trust me.)

The problem for me is that having all my old shoe friends sitting in the closet is both a sad reminder of better days and an unhealthy temptation. The few times I've tried to wear a pair of Chucks or Vans just for old times sake have ended in limping sorrow.

Someone suggested that I try to sell them on eBay, which I thought was both funny and a little nasty. Remember that part about how I wore them almost every day of my life? Even spread out among half a dozen pairs of Chucks and four pairs of Vans, that's still a lot of time spent on my big feet. Even given the fact that I wasn't exactly out there playing basketball in them, we're still talking about shoes that aren't even remotely new.

But I went on eBay, and sure enough, people are selling nasty old Chuck Taylors. I think the key word they all use is "vintage", which in some cases means that they are shoes from like the 60s that haven't been in production for years and would be of interest to collectors. But a lot of the ones I looked at were clearly just used. Still, people are out there buying them.

So sure, I'll give it a shot. I've never sold anything on eBay, but then I never had a hot item like smelly, old, freakishly large, extremely distressed, VINTAGE tennis shoes to offer, either.

Sick

Crow
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

I miss the healthy person I was a year ago.

I'm impatient to become the person I'll be a year from now, when I have this under control.

Sorry, not having a good health weekend. I'll go back to being amusing next time.

("Wait, you were amusing before?" Shut up, you.)

Unhappy Feet

The Titan Gimp Shoe
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Behold, Dr. Zen's Titan Diabetic Shoe! I do believe that this may just be the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life. If you saw someone wearing that shoe, you'd want to know what sort of bizarre alien flipper they were hiding inside. And for $109, the Titan Gimp Tard Flipper Shoe does more than suck away your dignity. It drains your bank account, too!

I'm making fun of this shoe because it was one of the worst I found. The truth is, there are actually some that aren't too bad at all, including this semi-badass boot. (How embarrassing would it be to get your ass kicked by a guy wearing orthopedic shoes? Think about that before you trifle with the Rob.) Until Converse decides to tap into the previously underexplored hipster gimp market, this might be the best I can do. (Keep in mind that no matter how Frankensteinian these shoes may look, they'll be even more monsteriffic in a men's thirteen. Nuhr!)

The reason I'm even looking at these shoes is that I've been following up on why my feet hurt so badly. It's called Peripheral Neuropathy, and it's fun fun fun. Basically, it's a relatively common neurological disorder that results from damage to the peripheral nerves and affects a lot of diabetics, like sixty percent. The kind I have is called, delightfully, "painful neuropathy", because really, what are the chances that I'd get the kind that tickles?

The thing that all these shoes have in common besides high fashion is that none of them are cheap. I just got off the phone with my insurance carrier (my current one, courtesy of The Monolith). As I could have predicted, they do not in fact cover diabetic shoes, despite that I have both diabetes and feet, which would seem to be the qualifying factors, but what the hell do I know? Once I start my new job, it'll be a few months before I'll be able to change insurance, so until then, I'll look for other solutions such as inserts.

Truthfully, I'm not in a huge hurry to embrace the Way of the Gimpwear. I just want my feet to stop hurting so much, and getting my blood sugar within a normal range will help with that. Just call me Gimpy McStumbles until then.

Beedies for Dummies

Us XVIII
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Look at that helmet. I had to order it online to get one that wasn't decorated like an MTV ad or shaped like some sort of H.R. Giger creation. I'm all about the simplicity, especially since I'm riding this big Mister Rogers bicycle that doesn't exactly cry out "aerodynamic". Well, and really, neither does my general body shape. No reason my head should slice through the air with ease when the rest of me is putting up such resistance.

I toyed with whether or not my low-impact workout was even going to require a helmet, but if I expect Schuyler to wear one when we're out riding, then I obviously have to set my fatherly example. Also, I still have no idea what will happen to my body when my blood sugar gets weird. I know that when it spikes, my feet hurt, my vision gets blurry, and I get crazy zombie tired, almost to the point of passing out. Well, that's fun. I suppose a helmet is in order. Perhaps I should wear it all the time.

So right this moment, I'm at The Monolith, looking at a magazine called Diabetes Explorer: Type II Essentials. The dietary management section is fun, in that "makes me want to stick something sharp in my jugular" sort of way. Here's a quick list of common high ("bad, will kill you very quickly") and low ("not as bad, but it's still food, so eventually, you're fucked") glycemic foods.

The bad ones are soda, hard candy, white bread, potatoes, bagels, white rice (ah, my sweet sweet rice, I shall miss you so), pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe (which of course I just ate a whole bowl of last night, shortly before leaving my body for a little whimsical flight around the ether), raisins, popcorn.

On the other hand, I can have peanuts, lots of citrus, milk and beans. Ah, the magical fruit. That's good news for me, not so much for the rest of you.

It also talks about how to read nutritional labels. "If dietary fiber is 5 grams or greater then deduct this amount from the total carbohydrate; next, subtract 1/2 of the total amount of sugar alcohol."

Oh crap. The Beedies requires math? I'm going to die for sure.

Another Miracle of Modern Medicine

My Beloved Gila Monster
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

One of the nice things about having an online presence (I still hate that other word) is that friends out there in the world will send me cool links to stories about a new diabetes drug made from the slobber of Gila Monsters.

The funny thing is, as far as I can tell, the official site for the drug doesn't mention anywhere that it is made from gila monster drool. Perhaps I'm alone in this, but that's the fun fact that makes me want to learn more about it.

I love that in the midst of all the side effects warnings (the usual fun items like throwing up and diarrhea, cha cha cha), it lists "feeling jittery". I don't know why that cracks me up so much. I halfway expect to see a warning like, "Possible side effects may include the heebie jeebies, the creeps, and the willies."

It's another injectable medicine, by the way. Supposedly it's virtually pain free, so that's good news if you're naive enough to believe it. ("Inject this into your stomach! It doesn't hurt, I promise.") Maybe I should just get a gila monster of my own and let him bite me right before meals. It would make eating out at restaurants more fun.

"You don't mind if I do this at the table, do you?"

I'd name him Frank. I have no idea why. Well, whatever. Look at that photo. Tell me that's not a Frank.

Tasty treat for the Rob

Blood oranges
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

How is it that until my best friend at work introduced me to them a few weeks ago, I never knew about blood oranges?

I guess part of why I never knew about them is that they are apparently only available part of the year, and until recently, the produce section of the grocery store was a weird and foreign place that I rarely ventured. Planet Rob didn't have a lot of fruits and vegetables, I confess.

Well, I was missing out. Blood oranges are delicious, and cool to eat, too. I should read up to see what gives them their horror-show appearance, since for all I know, it's something that's on the Forbidden Rob Foods list. (Am I allowed to consume blood? Let me check my Beedies exchange pocket guide.) But yeah, it looks like blood. If you peel a slice just right, it looks like you're a zombie, dining on human body parts. Tell me a cooler way to eat if you can. You can't.

I realize that sweet fruits are still probably not the best snack for me; much better that I eat a raw carrot or a stack of Post-it notes. But compared to the things I used to eat, it's a huge step in the right direction. They're not fried, and they're not coated in chocolate. Let me be.

I feel like a vampire right now, and a workplace vampire at that.

Don't call me Pee Wee.

Della Cruz
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

Apparently the key to beating the Beedies is not just eating paper and water, but exercising as well. Yeah, I knew this already, but you know how it is when you're looking at either going to the apartment's workout room or sitting on the couch. If you go to the workout room, you end up watching whatever crap is on the TV there, usually Oprah. Who needs that kind of sorrow in their life?

But once I got a bicycle, I felt the urge to actually get out and move. Naturally, the day after I got it, it was cold and rainy for four days straight. I sat at home, watching my blood sugar NOT go down, until two days ago when I finally decided to get out and ride no matter what the weather was like.

I'm glad I did. There's a trail that runs right next to my apartment (stalkers and killers take note: it's this one), and it's big and flat and concrete. I see old people on it all the time. Piece of cake.

Except for the hills. I call them hills, but you might refer to them as slight inclines, smartasses that you are, every one of you. In any case, I wasn't expecting there to be HILLS. It was a more vigorous workout than I expected, but I still enjoyed it immensely.

The best part? My blood sugar dropped over a hundred points after each ride; today's 131 was the lowest I've had since the Beedies moved in.

The worst part? Having to walk my bike up a hill in front of one of the many saucy stay-at-home MILFs (out walking her little gerbil dog, an obligatory accessory) that roam freely about North Dallas like the great herds of bison that once covered the western plains.

One hates to look weak in front of the MILFs.