July 21, 2010
On the eighty-five
I wrote a little somethin' somethin' over at Support for Special Needs, on the topic of marriage and special needs families. Perhaps it's odd, the fact that I was asked to write about an aspect of life at which I have frankly not exactly excelled, but you should never underestimate the power of a solid cautionary tale. I share because I care.
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14 comments:
I'm glad the 85% is being called into question. I've seen several REALLY STRONG couples dealing with disability. Probaby so strong because they've made it through. But, I think that 85% is just too high. At least I'm hoping it's way too high.
My experience with the stress was a little different than yours, but I suspect also common. I was SO F'ING ANGRY AT THE WHOLE WORLD, but the only person in the room to yell at was my husband. And so, unfairly, he took the brunt of it. When he was suffering too. I don't know how we survived that. And writing it down, makes me realize I owe him an apology. -- Stellasmom
Great essay -- and I left more of a comment over there. I love that site, too --
I'd always heard it was higher than 85, but maybe that is for autism.
I have taught students with multiple disabilities for over 30 years. The vast majority of the parents of my students have not divorced and raised their children together. I usually have both parents attending IEP meetings. I have also wondered where that 85% came from. It sounds like one of those statistics like more black men are jail than college that is totally false and much quoted and wildly accepted as truth.
Great article, Rob.
I asked you precisely because of your experiences. Wonderful essay. I thank you.
And a cautionary tale never hurt.
Unrelated but related, read this?
http://jenniferlawler.com/wordpress/?p=747
Do you really get to use the apostrophes in "something' something'" if you have also actually spelled the whole word out?
Right. Fixed.
I see you haven't changed much....woe is me.....
AK Kim
Ah, Kim. I see you're still not reading me. Idiot.
Kim, I'm surprised you didn't bring your awesome judgmental powers of intellectual dwarfism to bear on this post:
http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/2010/05/uninvited.html
These were TOTALLY your people.
Rob, I enjoyed your essay and have to congragulate you and your family for doing what is necessary to help your child excel in this crazy world of ours! I am a parent of a 3 year old child who also does not speak and to this date we nor the doctors have any idea as to why. I have just received your book and have experienced all of the feeling and emotions that you and your family have gone thru! I want to Thank You for providing your most personal thoughts and feelings so the rest of us who feel "alone" don't have to feel this way! Consider me a new fan!
Thank you!
Shirley
Over the years in various autism blogs and chat rooms, I have found that most are still married and the one's that are not tend to be those where one parent wants to "parent" and the other wants to "autism" and they can't seem to find that middle ground.
Once upon a time I was angry that my husband wished to parent, which left me to "autism" on my own. Now, that decision has left me with full control over all things "autism" (actually, all things "children") and all he gets is an opinion... which sometimes I take, and sometimes I don't... But, in the end I have final say.
The school's (plural - since we're headed to a new one for the younger), specialists and Dr's are learning to deal with this... although it still surprises them. I made my husband show up at the "let's check out the new school and see what we think" meeting... but as I told the teacher, he'll never be back. He isn't 100% convinced, but he was happy with what he saw and heard and in the end.... my decision.
I think, as you mentioned in your essay about changing the rules of the "regular" marriage to fit the one with the "special needs" children are different. And if you find your "different", your marriage will remain intact... if you can't it'll fall apart.
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