I wish I could report that Schuyler's making an awesome transition to her new summer program, but the truth is, she had a bad day.
Schuyler has an incident like this about once a year, which is probably not too bad for a seven year-old. Today she got frustrated and kicked a kid, and then one of the program workers as well. I'm still not sure we've gotten the whole story, but she admitted that she kicked them on her device. She said the boy hurt her first, but she didn't have an explanation for kicking the staffer. She shrugged miserably when we asked her why she did it, because I don't think she understands having a temper, or how to respond to frustration.
It's a particular difficulty with nonverbal kids, especially when they are interacting with new people who don't understand how to communicate with her. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but this sort of thing doesn't just occur in a vacuum. The Big Box of Words requires patience from everyone, since it takes her some time to respond to questions or express what she's feeling. It's only the second day, but I'm getting the feeling that her summer program staff just doesn't quite get it yet.
Her classes have gone great, she got a glowing report today from her teacher. I was a little surprised since she's in class for four straight hours in the morning, which is a lot for a seven year-old. It would be a lot for me, come to think of it. But her class is fine. It's the after school program that's giving her fits, and we don't yet understand why.
One clue may have been the fact that they said she wouldn't use her device. That sent up a red flag because in the past, she's only balked at using the device when she was made to feel weird about using it, or when it was made unavailable to her. That's when she gets frustrated, when she can't be understood. She's in a situation now with people who can't understand any of her moonman words or her signs and who might not be encouraging her to use her device. That doesn't leave her with much, and that's when she typically feels trapped and lashes out.
Well, it's only the second day. She promised to apologize on her device to the people she kicked and to be the very best little girl she can be tomorrow, and I believe that she'll do just that. My friend Tracy wrote once that Schuyler's sorrow at disappointing me was a powerful thing, and Julie said the same thing tonight. I don't know if it's a "Daddy's little girl" thing or what, but it's a little heartbreaking.
After our long talk and mutual agreement on her punishment this evening and what would happen tomorrow if things don't improve, she looked at me sadly and started punching buttons on her device.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you, too, Schuyler," I said. "I love you so, so much."
She smiled for the first time all evening and climbed out of her chair. She came over and put her arms around my neck and hugged me as hard as she's ever hugged me, and for a long time.
All the people out there who feel like we need to be disciplining her physically (and I'm sure I'll hear from them again like I did last summer; maybe they'll pronounce her name correctly this time when they call me on the phone), they have no idea.
I'll never raise a hand to her, ever. I don't think either of us would be able to bear it.
27 comments:
It sounds to me like you handled the situation perfectly. I hope things start getting better for her. Is it possible for one of you to pop in a little earlier than expected, just to check on things and see how it looks when they aren't expecting you to notice?
I don't blame you. She doesn't need any more monsters in her safe place.
I've worked with children for almost 20 years now and I can tell you that it would be odd if she DIDN'T have a few incidents like this. Neurotypical or not. If you could see the incident files of all the kids in the summer program you would see that she is just one of many kids who act out this time of year. I'm hearing stories like yours from every parent I know right about now. All the parenting blogs I read are talking about how they hope the summer camp doesn't kick their child out over whatever trouble he/she caused this week.
I hate to tell you this, but as far as behavior problems go Schuyler is 100% normal!
Knowing that you've disappointed the ones you love is a far, far better stimulus to change your behavior than physical punishment. Because that way, you do it because you want to, because you don't want to disappoint them again, rather than because you are afraid of what will happen to you.
You're an amazing Dad. I wish there were more out there like you.
Nope, never ever ever. Good on you, Rob.
Are the mean people leaving you alone now, or do you filter them out for us? That business last year was so creepy.
No, I haven't actually deleted a comment in about a year, since that person left a threatening comment about Schuyler.
I saw where someone posted on the now defunct Trainwrecks site about six months ago that they had posted some brilliant, cutting comment that I had deleted. Well, they were either lying or they weren't smart enough to successfully post a comment in Blogger. Neither would surprise me.
I can't ever raise a hand to my son either. He's my walking, talking and breathing heart. It would kill me if I did. I truly believe that parents who take the time to communicate with their children about their frustrations will be rewarded by having a very strong bond with them. I can see that Schuyler totally respects you and that's because you respect her. Hope her summer program gets easier.
rob -- handled beautifully. and as for spanking, 7 is way way too old for such a thing, and you never did before so ... never start.
she is normal in the respect that if pissed off and push comes to shove, she'll push back. the anonymous with 20 yrs experience is 100% correct.
transition periods are always rough, and she's run into transition difficulty before. with support and kindness she'll be fine and do well.
my son is 10 now. in first and second grade, he'd lash out physically at people when frustrated.
he would freak out, get sent to the principal or the "disciplinary office" and then he'd collapse like a burning paper building. the rage, the frustration, the flames would just deflate him and all his energy would just drain, and he'd melt...
by the time i'd arrive, he'd be curled up in a chair staring into space. just drained. i remember one time when he just crawled up into my lap and wrapped his arms around me and said "i'm so sorry i did what i did."
he could speak of the why, the wherefore, the build up, the who took what toy, who called him a retard, who said what to him ... and so i could find out how to best go back and mend fences and make good. but never could articulate his thoughts and feelings BEFORE the explosion, just AFTER it...
and he always went back and apologized. not because i wanted him to, but because he knew it was the right thing to do.
for 2 years now we haven't had this kind of explosive reaction because he learned how to really moderate himself, check his feelings, recognize how angry he was getting.
he learned to walk away. but now, there are some boys who know that walking away means geoff is ready for a fight, and they come after him.
and i don't want to be around when that one kid pushes him a little too far.
I don't see where or why physical punishment (aka spanking) is the answer. It really doesn't teach the moral lesson needed, which is to be able to distinguish right and wrong on one's own, and to on one's own decide/choose to do right.
It sounds like from her reaction, Schuyler is doing just fine in that department.
We all get angry or frustrated and say or do things we regret. Nobody, big or small, is perfect.
Like you said, there is a reason (albeit not an excuse...something I work with Patience on over and over) and I hope you find it soon.
Can you drop in unexpectedly and observe from afar? Sort of a way to make sure they are meeting her needs properly? This is what I hate most about D's speech issues -- that he can't tell me if someone is treating him poorly, or simply not treating him well.
Rob, why can't the new people working with her learn a few of her signs? From what I gather she is using ASL signs which are so intuitive that it's actually hard not to remember them once they've been introduced. At the very least they should learn 10 keywords for basic emotions and needs. That just doesn't seem like much to ask.
I guess it might be a lot to ask for only day #2, but if anything this incident should illustrate to them the necessity of being able to communicate with Schuyler with or without the bbow.
I have many times throughout each day with my deaf toddler where the lack of language foundation and expressive skills combined with his temper (yes he has one!) make for a mother who is very grateful for ASL.
I think you handled it beautifully by the way.
We're going to meet with them today to go over more of that sort of thing, as well as the device a little further. Schuyler agreed to show them her signs when we're there so they'll know.
One problem is that the stafff will tunrover periodically, so she'll be working with new people every few weeks. But she mostly uses her device now anyway, and the signs she uses are pretty basic stuff.
Honestly, though, they seem frightened by her, or at least daunted.
Absolutely.
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Communication frustration is difficult. Def no to spanking, you're right on that.. would just make matters worse ! if they can't get their shit together (pardon me) then well, they just better get their shit together up there! sheesh. if they can't learn a few simple signs, they should be required to hire an ASL interpreter. did she say if they were witholding her device, or being too impatient with her ?
my son is 4, unable to communicate by speech, and uses ASL. I notice he has a LOT more crying than typical children his age. I know it is because of his communication frustration.
Once I tried to go a day without speaking, to see what it is like, it is very difficult and frustrating. I heard a man on NPR that was researching for some book.. he didnt speak for a year, everyone was so amazed. Then he revealed that oh, indeed he did speak at the grocery store or the bank, he said "you know, places that you have to" and I was just thinking, pssssha, big freakin deal.. he didn't really not talk for a year, he cheated. there are lots of people who spend their whole lives, or years not speaking like some Deaf people, like Schuyler, and my son Liam.. so I was thinking about this guy.. 'don't get on the radio and write a book and let people think you're so great just because you didn't speak in some social situations for a year, ya stinkn stinker.'
well that is my tangent for the day..
I hope she has a better day today. With all the obstacles she faces with her communication, an incident a year is NOTHING. Don't we all feel like kicking someone sometimes? I know I do and I'm in my 40's.
Our cousin, who is 7, and no neurological problems that we know of has lashed out on several occassions like this. I think even a couple of incidents, they had to call his parents because the teachers weren't able to calm him down or restrain him. I can only imagine how much harder it is for Schuyler. On the same note, I think she's perfectly normal in her outrage and you handled it perfectly. At least she shows remorse. There are children out there without that ability or mindset. Then you would need to be really concerned.
This may not help, or it might just... I always noticed that my kids got tetchy late afternoon, ie a while after lunchtime, and before the evening meal. I think low blood sugar may have been to blame. A little snack might give Schuyler a boost, and allow the little things less chance to annoy her. After-school club was usually where mine got bullied/ got into trouble, too.
you need to post a little video clip of her-that would be the end all be all for us here in blog land!
That was one of your totally heart-breaking and heart-warming posts - the kind that make me snivel just a bit. Everything I could say has been said already, and you are the most amazing Dad and Julie is the most amazing Mum to a truly wondrous child. Wish I'd had someone like you in my corner when I was growing up with my "beastie" (what I call my monster).
I just saw where you said in the comments that they seem frightened of her, or at least daunted. That sucks! I wish everyone could just take her in stride, be eager to learn about her and how to make things go smoothly. I just think back to that waiter you wrote about who just talked to Schuyler and treated her like a kid. I think that's such a cool attitude, and I hope that the staff becomes more like that, just able to not see Schuyler as anything other than a sweet kid. Here's hoping!
Also, damn, this entry totally made me tear up at the end. Schuyler just seems so sweet, and it's awesome how close you and she are. I wish I could have had that closeness with my dad.
And I'm totally with you on the not hitting issue. I don't think it's fair to ever hit someone you love.
~Meg in Los Angeles
When I was a kid, my mom was the spanker.
My father, on the other hand, would get down to eye level - and speak to me quietly about my actions. He would explain why they were wrong, what I needed to do to rectify things - and the consequences of my actions.
He only spanked me twice, and that was for running into a busy highway - and for hitting my mother (to show me that it hurt).
There's just something about a dad that speaks quietly to his daughter.
Good choice, Rob.
***By the way - do they have outside time at school, or are they sticking them inside for the entire summer? THAT is a reason to kick someone!
For what it's worth, my daughter did the same sorts of things at about the same age, and it always turned out there was a good reason for it. Not that I ever told her — or otherwise communicated to her — that a physical response is the way to go, but she was only human after all, and still is, at least as far as I can tell. Sometimes one of the other kids would just push her too far.
She was about seven when she shoved a male classmate into the wall for saying "something mean," which, as it later turned out, was some kind of ultra-nasty slur about her mother, which she had tolerated several times prior to finally losing her temper. Although her teacher was obligated to inform me of the event — and the official inappropriateness thereof — she also added that the boy was, in fact, a bully, and that she and quite a few of the other teachers were privately sympathetic, and even proud of her.
Also for what it's worth, I never, ever spanked her. Would have been a huge mistake, imho.
Rob
Yet another heart-breaking picture of Schuyler. I hope the situation gets better, soon.
She's a wonderful girl, that daughter of yours.
Rob - screw what anyone else says about how you parent your child, and whether or not you physically punish your child or not. She's your kid not theirs. God, every kid has an incident or two in their careers as student, regardless of they face challenges or not. It's school for God's sakes. Your daughter is so freaking normal:):)
for whatever else you do or do not do in life, you're a very good father.
That entry choked me up and broke my heart.
If anyone thinks you should take a hand to her or hurt her physically, well that's the most disgusting and absurd idea. It doesn't even deserve any kind of response.
As a parent, it must enrage you when people treat Schuyler as The Monster.
Instead of *seeing* the little girl, and the human that she is.
All kids do things. Life is a learning curve. We don't come knowing how to handle everything, and we don't do things right first time up, all the time. I can speak and I sometimes feel like kicking people in the shins as well.
That picture is heart-wrenching. I'm a big ol' softie when it comes to kid and I teared up looking at that sad little face.
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