January 15, 2019

Just One of Those Things

Last week I had a heart catheter procedure, to measure the amount of blockage in my shitty, shitty heart and possible put in a stent or two. Put them in, send me home, back to work in a day or two, right?

That’s not what ultimately happened. No, I’m going to have open heart bypass surgery. Well. I didn’t see that coming.

Tomorrow afternoon, I meet my heart surgeon, hopefully to get this thing scheduled. I’ll meet the man who will literally have my life in my hands. So, you know, big day.

I’ll admit it, I’ve been in a weird, unpleasant emotional place ever since I found out where this whole thing is heading. I’ve been thinking about the future but also trying to shake this sense of dread, this sense that the future might not be a thing for me. Like maybe I prematurely celebrated outliving my father, who has become a very unquiet ghost indeed. I want to believe in that future, more than anything. And I know this procedure has like a 95% survival rate, but as one person recently pointed out, someone’s got to be in that five percent.

 I’ve had this guy sitting on my desk in my office for months; he’s probably my favorite monster. Warner Bros. calls him Gossamer, but once Schuyler pointed out that he looked like an angry heart, he became my representative Shitty Heart Monster. My feelings about him are also complicated; he’s trying to hurt me, but I obviously have high hopes for him and his future, which is my future, too.

I’m giving him to Schuyler when I go in for my surgery, and she’ll take care of him until I come out. It’ll be easy, I keep telling myself. A trip to the moon on gossamer wings, as Cole Porter said.

 We shall see.

6 comments:

Carla Bethke said...

Praying for you and your people, and the surgeon's hands during surgery. Your little angry heart looks like a fighter to me. I think he's on your side.

mlbobo said...

Best of luck to you for a speedy recovery and you staying in the 95 percent

jenmoon said...

I always wondered why he was called Gossamer. Your name is better.

Good luck.

Unknown said...

A friend's husband had the same experience a year ago. Went in for a catherization, came out with a quadruple bypass. Everything went fine; no problems.

godzilla8tukwila17 said...

Hey, my DAD had a quad bypass 2 years ago; and also a pacemaker procedure just before Thanksgiving. He'll turn 65 in July, and despite a few minor things like depression (and, sadly, being laid off); he's come through the whole experience pretty well. And this from a guy who used to LOVE fast food & wine! If he can do it, Rob, you can too. Mega hugs and prayers.

Kim W. said...

You are probably the age my father was when he went in for surgery to repair a wonky valve that had been giving him trouble. But in the middle of surgery, my father started having a heart attack, in one of the best examples of "perfect timing" I can possibly imagine. The surgeon was all, "....huh, look at that. Guess I'd better throw in a bypass."

My father not only pulled through, he had even more energy after the valve had been fixed and was playing golf about 6 weeks later. This was also ten years ago and when I called him this afternoon to ask him a question, Mom told me he was at the gym and to call back later.

I say all this to give you anecdotal hope. Good luck.