A few weeks ago, I was invited to speak to an autism book club at a large Baptist church here in Plano.Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I know because I thought the same thing. Well, two things come to mind, actually. The most immediate might just be that Schuyler isn't autistic. And that was the first thing that I pointed out to the organizer. But she assured me that it was fine, and that it was my experience with disability parenting that was important and the reason she wanted me to speak to her group.
I didn't mention the other thing, the fact that I'm not a Christian.
Well, no. I didn't mention it because while you may think whatever you like about my religious beliefs and the fact that I am not a Christian and am not raising my daughter to be one, the one thing you have to admit is true is that I have never pretended otherwise. I've never shied away from talking about my faith; my agnosticism has been an irritant to both my Christian and my non-believer friends alike.
My book surprised a lot of people (including me, honestly) because of the amount of ink I spilled discussing God. My Christian friends were disappointed that I didn't embrace Jesus at the end and instead described what was, at best, something of a truce with God. And my fellow heathens were puzzled by, well, the same thing. I may have been shaking my angry fists at the sky, but as my mother pointed out when she read it, at least I was still talking to God. We might be in need of couples counseling, but I hadn't dismissed the idea altogether.
Which is why I thought it sounded like a solid idea to talk to the Baptists. I haven't had very many positive dialogues with Christian groups like this in the past, but I'm not opposed to the idea. I assumed that the organizer of this book club had read the book and saw a deeper spiritual journey going on, and one that merited discussion with the faithful of her group.
Turns out, she hadn't read the book. Not yet.
As she made her way through the book, I could sense from her emails that she was troubled. I got several "I'm on page 154, and I've got some questions..." emails, which I tried to answer as best as I could. Particularly on the topic of my own beliefs, I said this:
For me as an agnostic, it is, in some ways, that lack of what others call "faith" that sustains me. It leaves open the possibility of something greater, something beyond my understanding, and it gives me hope that love is bigger than the cramped, mean world that we live in. And if I can't believe I know the nature or the origin of that love like the Christian believes, I also make room for it anyway. Which I suppose is its own kind of faith.
(...)
In the end, you know what's in your heart, and THAT'S the place where you keep your own faith. And while that sounds sort of lonely, I also find a great comfort in it.
I got uninvited to speak to her church's Autism Book Club.
I don't generally like to quote from private email, but since this event had already been publicized in advance (including by me) and my daughter's smiling face had already graced the club's website before being pulled without warning (before I was even officially uninvited), I feel like this one sentence of explanation is relevant. More to the point, it says a lot about, well, a lot.
"My book club is promoting Christianity as the answer to life's problems and that's what people are expecting when they walk in the door."
So there you go. Am I bitter? I don't like to think of myself as a bitter person, but yeah, I suppose I am, at least a little. Am I disappointed? Absolutely. But most of all, am I a little less likely to agree to a dialogue like this in the future? Does this feed my natural predisposition to distrust an agent of an organized Christian group? Yeah, it really does.
I have been asked on more than one occasion if I plan to teach Schuyler about Jesus, as if NOT doing so was somehow unAmerican. And I've been told that I am somehow limiting her future if I don't. Christians teach their kids what they believe, and while the best of them give them a choice, they still teach through their own biases. That's not even a bad thing. It's the nature of parenting, and it's part of how humans have built their tribes for thousands of years.
Well, for those questioners, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that yes, we fully intend to teach Schuyler about Jesus Christ, among the other philosophers of history.
The bad news is that we intend to teach her about Christians, too. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because we're promoting information as the answer to life's problems.
31 comments:
"Because we're promoting information as the answer to life's problems." To which I say a rousing (and tongue-in-cheek) AMEN!!
When I saw your tweets on this matter, I was floored that the bookclub organizer hadn't read your book. I mean, wouldn't that kind of be a good idea **regardless* of the author. You kow, like, maybe a sign of interest and respect for your time, efforts, talents? Oy.
A faith that cannot withstand even the mention of disbelief is a pretty damn weak faith. Her actions reveal far more about her own doubts than about yours.
I wonder whether your viewpoint would have reached at least one person in the club. I'm sure it's not uncommon for parents experiencing the ups and downs of raising a kid who isn't "neurotypical" to question their faith or stop believing but still go to organized groups like this one for support. It seems very close minded for the organizer to disinvite you because of your world view.
I believe in God. I'm a Christian. I believe Jesus died for our sins and all that. I even grew up going to a Baptist church.
I'm sorry this person treated you that way. Christians treat people like shit. I do it too, sometimes. We're assholes. I hate it when that happens.
I know it would mean more coming from the lady who disinvited you, but there you go. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for the way she treated you.
I actually read your book. I loved it. You seem like an agnostic Donald Miller. I'd totally invite you to speak at my church if we did that sort of thing.
Joe
"Does this feed my natural predisposition to distrust an agent of an organized Christian group? Yeah, it really does."
"The bad news is that we intend to teach her about Christians, too. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because we're promoting information as the answer to life's problems."
Please don't use this group as an example of all Christians. It is in poor form, no matter what your religion, to pick a book for a book club and invite the author to speak before reading the book.
As a Christian, I was was raised learning about my faith and also taught to think critically. I can read a book, enjoy it, and learn some great lessons from it without necessarily agreeing with every word the author wrote. I know there are other people out there who can do the same. Please let us be an example of Christians too.
Rob,
One of the parts I loved MOST about your book was the parts where you disussed your relationship with God. The Hope/Faith constrast articulated what has always been my feelings on the subject.... and did it in such a way to bring real expressive clarity to an area that I had been struggling to express. So I thank you for that...
As far as the Baptists... I feel sad for them. To not feel comfortable to discuss such heady issues as faith and challenging faith suggests a fragility that seems out of touch with their message. But then, fear is a powerful motivator.
You responded to this situation admirably and politely.
I had a refreshing break this afternoon spent with your blog! My darling 4-year old has her own unique brain monster, it was nice to see someone a bit further down the road still humming along with a fantastic attitude.
I love your blog & give you kuddos for your mad advocacy! Looking forward to becoming more familiar with your story. LOVE this particular post - speaks to my heart.
Eek. For reals.
As an agnostic myself, I did shake my head a bit at what I read as your tense truce with 'god' in the book. For me it boiled down to not understanding how you go about making truce with a being you can't fathom, that you can't know in any true sense of knowing.
I don't tend toward seeing god in my victories and challenges. Those are typically my own doing. And even those triumphs and challenges (particularly the challenges) that are inexplicable, unfair, and sometimes downright crappy, those things that just fall out of nowhere into my life, are hard to blame on a being that I can't comprehend. A being that no one truly knows until knowing is a thing of what we conceive as the past (you know that whole in death we find truth thing).
I do see some divinity in the kindness and the cruelty of others - and myself. In conscience and guilt. In the parts of myself that I struggle to understand. I like to think that we ourselves are mysteries that unwrap and unravel with every single moment of joy and injustice we experience and endure. Mysteries just like god.
I believe that both having faith and lacking faith have their own sets of obstacles. Placing one's belief in something so definitive (yet so unknowable) must be just as challenging at times as not having faith at all. Why is it,that people who claim righteousness can't see that simple truth?
Ridiculous.
One might have used your book as a way to illustrate grace and redemption, both of which are common values across many religions.
Oh well...at least she was honest.
Sure, she was honest. But she could have been upfront and said what they expected at the beginning, instead of censoring at the end.
If it had been my group, I would have had you come speak, and then we would have had a great discussion about faith and what it means to some and how it is lacking for others.
But then again, I consider myself a spiritual person, but not a "Christian" even though I was baptized in the Baptist church.
I am sorry, Rob. Rejection stings no matter what.
I've always said that the real problem with religion tends to be the people in charge. The ideas can be good, but the execution is often lousy.
Hugs,
R.
"Because we're promoting information as the answer to life's problems."
Right on! (Librarian here.)
Being both a SAHd and an atheist, I found living in certain areas of the U.S. (**cough**cough**Texas**cough**) very difficult. Especially when encountering self-proclaimed "religious" folk. Even more are confused/perturbed when they discover my wife is a faithful Catholic.
Having grown up in a Baptist family, I am not surprised by this church's attitude and lack of foresight. All I can say is: more power to you. Your story, and the trials you've been through are a testament to how far above that kind of petty misunderstanding you are.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function…….”
( F. Scott Fitzgerald).
How can you not have dialogue about this stuff? It's necessary.
As we say in the south, bless her heart.
Ugh.
Have you put on your bullet-proof vest in preparation for the onslaught?
Wow, I cannot believe that! I do not do organized religion either, and women like this remind me why. What is wrong with some healthy discussion about faith? I loved your book, and your discussions about it.
Clearly, the moderator's belief that even the most faithful might waiver in their trust that God gave them only as much as they could handle is weird and controlling. Sometimes God does just give too much. Perhaps the Journey to Jesus for many starts with questioning and doubt--Who knows, your agnosticism might have inspired one of those book clubbers to strengthen their own faith...Aren't there spiritual "bonus points" when you can achieve that?
I am a Christian. It is what I believe. But I'm also a pretty big fan of critical thinking, too. This causes it's own share of confliction. Unfortunately, too many people think having faith means turning off your brain. Atheists and agnostics can be just as bad. I think it's funny that the most arrogant among Christians and among atheists have more in common than not -- they can't fathom a world beyond their belief (or disbelief).
Regardless of where you sit on the belief fence, there are few things I hate more than people on their high horse like book club lady. What she doesn't know is that it's a long fall from way up on her pedestal and it's going to hurt when she bounces. Don't judge Christians by that bad apple (or by most of what you see on TV - heh, heh).
Why would she invited you to speak when she hadn't read your book yet? I mean, you are not exactly shy about sharing your views on Christianity or organized religion! :-) It is perfectly fine for her group to approach special needs parenting from a Christian perspective (I approach it this way myself) but it is sort of ignorant or naive to assume everyone has the same approach.
Try not to take it personally!! And, for what it's worth, I am a Christian, and I don't agree with you on everything you post or with all your views BUT I still learn a lot from your blog and can relate to you in many things on this road of special needs parenting. We don't have to all agree but we can still learn from each other! I appreciate you, Rob! :-)
Carrie
You my hero, dawg.
Thank you for another interesting read. Here is some light relief from the flying spaghetti monster.
http://www.venganza.org/
I am reminded when I read your post of a great quote by Gandhi.
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
I grew up in Texas, am Christian, a member of an organized religion, and I find her behavior appalling and embarrassing. I'm sorry you were treated this way. I love your book, love your blog, and quite enjoy reading, listening to, and having friends with differing viewpoints on faith and religion. Not only enjoy, but I think it helps us become decent human beings and community members. And if she had such a narrow idea of what she wanted in a speaker, then she should have done her homework up front instead of wasting your time.
Her behavior was rotten. Even if she was the bestest, most devoutest Christian in the world, she'd still be a jerk. *sigh*
And I'm sure Rob gets that while there are a lot of well-mannered, respectful, open-minded Christians out there, there also exists a very significant mass of people who are straight-up, no excuses, assholes who act out their assholery while wearing the Christian (TM) brand name. I'm a sorta-agnostic and go to a UU church, and while I try very hard to not show it I flinch a little inside when I find out someone is Christian. Because in my experience, odds are I'm going to have one of those assholes on my hands and in my face, and I'm very tired of them.
I am a disciple of critical thinking, meaningful introspection, and a life guided by my own moral compass that disavows judgment of others. Live and let live, and I expect the same of others. Must also say that that of late, I am also a disciple of your writing and personal philosophy. Keep it up, you are a new personal hero on many levels!
sigh, this reminds me of when i helping to organize a girl scout summer camp in West Virginia and i suggested a theme of world religions, so we could celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Eid, Diwali,etc. you'd have thought I'd suggested an orgy. "Parents wouldn't like it if we talk about anything other than christianity." I was disillusioned. still am.
Wow. You are my hero, too. You've put your beliefs out there. I'm reluctant to do so. I feel as if society at large would want me to wear a scarlet "A"...for athiesm. Your courage and honesty inspires me.
It's too bad the Church had this miss understanding, you handled it well.
To their credit, I don't think you are in danger of a fatwa from the Plano Baptists.
I agree with many of your previous commenters that not all Christians are like that. For example, I'm not (or at least, I try not to be). I loved your book and valued how you were able to be so open about your struggle around faith and God. Faith and critical thinking don't have to be mutually exclusive.
I'm annoyed that this happened to you, and annoyed that it cheated you out of what could have been a really interesting conversation. I hope you do get to have that conversation at some point, with people who are more open-minded and ready to meet you where *you* are.
Be well.
I love this entry, Rob!
One of the blessing that help my daughters make it though childhood being different, as moving to Baltimore and finding a Ethical Culture Sunday School I as a none believer was comfortable sending them to.
"Well, for those questioners, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that yes, we fully intend to teach Schuyler about Jesus Christ, among the other philosophers of history."
Is how we raised our children and today I can say I'm proud of how they took the lessons they learn in Sunday School and at home to become people who care for others with understanding that we all have to find answers to what reality is and learn more everyday.
Like you I find God is someone I argue with constantly due to the fact that modern religions aren't for me. Instead I found myself going back to my love of nature and the idea that either their are many gods or none at all, but the Christian God is one I can't follow.
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