Like many nights these days, I was up pretty late writing last night, finally going to bed around 2am. I woke up not long after and rolled over to discover Schuyler lying between Julie and me, watching me quietly in the dark with wide eyes. She smiled sadly when she saw me open my eyes, like she was safe at last. I knew then that she'd had a nightmare.
Schuyler's bad dreams mystify me, along with her good ones, too, I suppose. One day she'll be proficient enough on her device to describe them to us, but until then, they are lost to everyone but her. Schuyler's dreams create a world that may sometimes frighten her but is nevertheless entirely her own. That's true in some way for all of us, I guess, but for her, the things that she sees and experiences in her sleep defy explanation. I wish I could share in more of Schuyler's experiences, and her dreams most of all.
Dreams are complicated for me. In general, I am not a very New Age kind of a guy. That's probably not a huge surprise. And yet.
I won't get too moonbaby on you. It's not that I think I can predict the future or anything, because while I've had dreams that might be described as prescient, I also understand that dreams like that are most likely the subconscious working out things that the conscious mind is still trying to figure out. I had a long paragraph about how something I dreamed came true recently in a way that suggested a weird connection with Schuyler, but when I went back and read it, all I could think was "Good lord, what a load."
So I'll spare you the Crossing Over crazy talk and simply say that I have begun to listen more closely to my dreams. I wish I understood them better. And I wish I knew more about Schuyler's. I feel like there are answers there, for her and for me.
I also wish she didn't have to experience hers alone. But then, I wish that about a lot of things that I can't help her with.
10 comments:
Your love for your daughter is always so inspiring to me. I have been reading you for a very long time and I have to say I love the fact you and your daughter are in the world.
Your love for your daughter is so inspiring to me. I have been reading you for a very long time and it always makes me smile to know you and she are in the world.
Barbara Walters as a dentist. I'm not sure what it is, but there has got to be some major symbolism there.
I had individual dreams of both my children, years before they arrived. Riley's was a little cryptic, but Seth's was spot on spooky. Down to the white blond hair.
(Todd and I are both brunette, so I assumed this baby I vividly dreamed of couldn't possibly be ours, but here he is)!
Years ago, a college professor I had once said that 'if you think about it, your dreams are your own private mythology.' I never believed any of those "if you dream about X, it means Y" "dream-decoder" books, because everyone is going to have their own associations for things based on their own waking experience; we all of us are alone in our dreams. Which is both comforting and scary at the same time. But we all want to understand each other's dreams.
"Idriveatruck," you could just chalk it up to something truly weird that you ate...
Kim is spot on. Dreams ARE our own personal mythology.
Idriveatruck, you might ask yourself what Barbara represents to you. How do you feel about her? What is her essence?
Then take note of what was going on in your life on each day before you had your BabaWawa dream. That could clue you in to why this part of you (your inner Baba) wants to talk to you. I'm not sure about dentist, but is does have meaning for you. A Jungian dreamworker could help you uncover it.
Sometimes dreams are nothing more than one's brain processing feelings or experiences but in my experience sometimes they are so much more. I dreamt of Rymer when I was about 16..when he was born years later I would read the notes I jotted down and the hair on the back of my head literally stood on end or I've had dreams of places and things that are so tangible that somewhere they must be real. I'm not remotely moonbaby but those connection dreams with Schuyler really *are* more than just a subconscious wish in dream form. I've experienced too much in regards to that to dismiss it all as "moonbaby nonsense" but yeah, I don't write it publically because it sounds so out there even to my re-reading. I just chalk it up as "you'd had to have been there.."
I don't think that Schuyler is experiencing her nightmares alone. You are there with her, at every step, connecting in a very tender way. You are helping her as best you can, as all loving parents do.
My 5 year old is autistic and there are times when all he has to do is stare at me and I get it, i know...he can feel that I know and he is fine, I am sure the same goes for your daughter, the fact that all she had to do was se you look at her and she was comforted, she doesn't need to be able to use words to gain comfort, she just needs to see you....you are exactly what she needs, which is why she was sent to you, I'm sure of that.
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