In my dreams, Schuyler almost always does the same thing. She talks to me. She's always sitting next to me, and she's usually holding my hand. And she always says the same thing, or some variation of it. She always tells me it's going to be okay.
Last night, I had a different dream about her. In this dream, we were outside, and she was running across a field, or a park. Every so often, she turned and called out to me. "Come on, Daddy! Hurry up!" Then she kept running, and I couldn't catch up to her or call out to her.
And in front of her, the sky was dark except for lightning flashes, and a tornado was beginning to form.
I woke up before the alarm this morning from this dream, and I tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was in that "Oh, fuck THAT" mode that it goes into when it wants nothing to do with the delights that my subconscious is serving up.
I'm not one to give much credence to dreams as prophecies, although in the past I have had a few that turned out to be wickedly accurate. I still believe that when our dreams do come true, it's because our subconscious minds have picked up on clues that we might not be processing consciously just yet. I don't believe in "Watch your ass!" messages from the Great Beyond.
And I certainly don't think Schuyler is doomed to be eaten by the weather.
Things have gone so well for us for the past few months, and if anything, I suspect my subconscious mind is saying "Okay, so what's the catch?" (As if the first five or six years of Schuyler's life weren't the catch.) So I'm not going to read too much into whatever sort of metaphorical bugbear my mind is trying to call up for me.
Still, though. That wasn't much fun, and it's been bugging me all day.
Honestly, I think it was a metaphor for the potential part of her monster that you most fear. The threat of seizures. I used to have weird nightmares about Rymer being carried off by shapeless dark monsters, they started when he was about four and just finally stopped about a year ago. I finally figured out that it was because MY worst fear was him being snatched by someone. Well, at 5'0, 98lbs and owner of his own earsplitting howl he'd be a tough nine year old to make off with so I worry less and the dreams went away. But yeah, dreams like that screw with a person all day.
ReplyDeleteAfter being in a tornado in Kalamazoo I had scary tornado dreams for years. The worst ones had three tornados lined up on the horizon, headed my way. This was after the fact, not a premonition. So maybe this is part of your sigh of relief.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with gwensarah, it's not that she's going to get eaten by the weather specifically but that she's going places you can't go and some of them really won't be the Emerald City. Don't you think?
ReplyDeleteI agree with gwensarah's diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteAlso, though, I think it's a general parenting sort of dream. My daughter (so far as I know) isn't carrying around a monster like Schuyler's, but I've still had plenty of dreams where she's in horrible danger (and usually, it's my fault) and I can't get to her in time. Scares the fuck out of me, every time. Just another joy of parenthood.
Yeah, I'm not letting it freak me out or anything. It's just at times like this that I become acutely aware of all the real world stuff just waiting out there, you know?
ReplyDeleteWhich makes me no different from any other parent, really.
I think we're generally the best interpreters of our own dreams, but that said, I'm in line with what some of the others are saying. Schuyler is gradually moving into a more separate phase of her life where she will face storms on her own. You won't always be able to protect her. She seems like a wonderful little girl to me and hurray that you and Julie are raising her to stand on her own!
ReplyDeleteIt is certain that this dream means you bought the wrong car.
ReplyDeleteJim, I think you're just shocked that I didn't get the Mini, hipster wannabe that I am.
ReplyDeleteBecause interpreting dreams is far more interesting than the boring homework that is due in an hour: Here's another take on it altogether..the storm brewing in front of her was scary to you but she was running towards it. Maybe the dream is just showing you that Schuyler faces everything with plucky courage and curiosity, even the things that seem scary to you. Even in this dream she's showing you that she's ok and to hurry up and catch up with her on whatever adventure she chooses to chase.
ReplyDeleteThere's time enough for our kids to learn that the world can be a scary place but for right now even the stormy bits are a sense of "wow".
Oh and I am super glad that you did not get the minicooper. I'd have been consumed with petty envy and my whole author study final would have been "yeah, he's a great writer but let me tell you about how much I want his car!"
My mom told me, years ago, that she was spooked by a dream where I was on a rocket going into outer space, and something went wrong with the rocket, and she couldn't get there to fix it. I always figured it was her way of realizing that I was always going to try to go my own way, and that she wouldn't be able to fix things for me.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your description of the dream, my very first thought was the same as gwensarah's. The threat of seizures. Is that something that you have had on your mind of late?
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 18 and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder at 8 years old. . .which is why your description immediately made me think of that. . .because that is what it is. . .an often, without warning electrical storm, in the brain.
To me the wearying part (and to you, maybe, the subconscious stress) is the not knowing. Always, just below the surface, is the threat, the question. . .Will she have one today? Could it be at school? Could it be while she is walking the dog? How quickly will I be able to get to where she is. . .
I'm not sure how to describe it except to say that I have somehow learned to co-exist with the not knowing. . .cause really, what else can I do?
But like you said. . .it's the same tension any parent has to deal with.
Sign me, not anonymous, but Annie. (I can't find my blogger password at the moment)
The first thing I thought of reading this was your caption of that awesome photo of Schuyler playing soccer recently. You said, who kidnapped my little girl and replaced her with a leggy tornado?
ReplyDeleteWell...at least you didn't dream about a gigantic evil brown bird with a long pointy beack that ate a man who was protesting others' worship of the bird! Yeah. That was my dream this past Monday morning....
ReplyDeleteI'd take lightning over a huge evil bird any day!
I have no interpretations to offer about your dream or mine...but let's hope neither of us loses people to deadly weather OR huge evil birds. :)
I was watching a CNN video about a mother and her baby who was born a few days after the recent cyclone and of course, what did I dream about that night, but that my three month old and I were trapped by a bad storm and rising waters. I was telling my husband about it the next morning and he said "no more CNN website reading late at night for you!" Rob, have you been watching CNN too much?
ReplyDeleteRob, have you been watching CNN too much?
ReplyDeleteSorry, I don't get much news when Jon Stewart's in reruns...
I've had tornado dreams my whole life, at various times. For ME they are about a lack of control.
ReplyDeleteThey used to be so so scary, but now in my dreams the tornado actually hits or goes right by us -- and it's okay. We survive. I've worked through a lot of stuff, and apparently my dreambrain noticed.
But I'm a big believer that there's no such thing as a dream decoder ring. YOU are the only one who knows what interpretation resonated with you. Your brain is probably just thinking about how she marches bravely into the big scary world, and how holy fuck that is frightening for a parent to watch... but if that doesn't make you go YEP, that's IT then that's not what it was about.