The entire Wondertime Magazine story has been posted online, albeit without the very striking and beautiful layout that you'll see in the print version when the March issue is released. It really does look great, so I hope you'll pick up a copy when it comes out.
The article is based on part of the book itself, although significantly condensed, so consider this something of a sneak peek of the book. Having said that, I feel like I ought to say a little bit about the subject matter, which might surprise some of you.
When I was told which chapter Wondertime wanted to run excerpts from, I was initially hesitant, for reasons that will become clear pretty quickly once you start reading. I mean, none of it is a secret (or won't be much longer), and if Julie and I didn't want it out there, then putting in the book would be a pretty stupid idea. We thought it was important to talk about it, though. The things we went through are the same things that most parents of broken children experience in some form or another, and pretending we were perfect people wouldn't have just been dishonest. It would have been boring as well.
When I talked to the editor at Wondertime, she expressed the same thoughts, which is why they wanted to feature that particular chapter in the first place. They felt that the problems of special needs families tend to get glossed over, which I think leaves a lot of struggling couples feeling as if they're the only ones who stumble. In the end, I came to see the benefits of centering on this section of the book, and so I proudly present our dirty laundry. Enjoy.
To Have and to Hold -- Wondertime, March 2008
(By the way, in case you weren't aware, Wondertime is actually published by Disney. I consider it a personal point of pride that I am responsible for The Mouse printing the word "asshole". Sorry, kids.)
Raw, honest and brave.
ReplyDeleteI literally forgot to breathe.
Thank you for your honesty in telling your story.
Wow. You guys are amazing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, WOAH I HAD NO IDEA. :P I actually thought for a second, "We, who choose to let so much 'hang out' in our blogs/journals, can have private lives on the internet?"
Rob, you and Julie are amazing. I know that I'm just one of a gazillion readers -- honest I do -- but right now I feel very honored that the two of you were willing to share this story with me. I'm guessing others feel the same.
ReplyDeleteThat story is absolutely amazing. It gives me even more of an idea of the struggles you and Julie have gone through, and it makes me really anxious to read your whole book when it comes out. If it's all as good as that section, I'm not going to be able to put it down.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Schuyler is amazing, but then, you already knew that.
Truly lovely, amazing and brave.
ReplyDeleteHonesty, used appropriately, can be one of the greatest gifts. Thank you for that gift.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to wax poetic about how brave you are because the important message seems to be that most of us are ordinary people with ordinary needs who struggle to rise to the occasion as best they can. Saying "brave" seems to put it in a box and, I believe, defeats what you were doing by putting this out there.
wow Rob..and Julie..that's a lot to put out there. But I can completely see why you did it and I'm sure a LOT of parents are going to see that and know they're not alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd the last bit about Schuyler gave me a nice giggle after all that emotional stuff. Great way to end the piece. :)
In the print version, the part about Schuyler runs along the bottom of the pages, so it sort of plays out parallel to the rest.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say...BRAVO?
ReplyDeleteBRAVO!
Bless you both, Rob and Julie!!!
ReplyDeleteRob, I admire your courage in posting honestly from the heart. I think this happens in a lot of marriages when a child requires a lot of extra attention. I know that was my own experience, as I personally watched my own marriage gradually shatter irreparably into pieces over many years (an affair included) after we had a child demanding a great deal of special attention (he could perhaps be considered borderline ADHD, plus he had a lot of developmental digestive issues as an infant and toddler which made him uncomfortable a lot of the time). Lack of sleep for the parents is especially tough too (my son had a lot of trouble sleeping when he was younger).
ReplyDeleteI have a good friend with a highly demanding child who has aspergers, and she and her husband are in divorce proceedings as we speak.
I'm guessing there are counselors out there who specialize in assisting parents of special needs children, not only with the child, but also with impacts to the family overall. It would be nice if there were more support networks out there for the families, and maybe they do exist, but they just aren't obvious to all of us. And "special needs children" come to us in many ways, some more subtle than others, where the need for such assistance for the family might not even be apparent.
Phoenix
God, Rob, there's so much I want to say about this that I don't know what to say! I'd like to think that you were unique in your thoughts/feelings about a "Ghost Father" but I often wonder if my husband feels that way when things get really tough with Nik.
ReplyDeleteThanks for exposing yourselves (so to speak!) and holding the mirror up for us to look at our own lives. It's not always pretty but then the greatest lessons in life usually come from the toughest times...or so I've been told!
Thank you for that. The world would like so much to draw a pretty veil over the reality of disability. Your honesty is wonderful.
ReplyDeletep.s. is your book coming out in audio format? I very much want to read it, but can't read "real" books anymore, due to neck/shoulder issues.
Rob -- you've surely noticed that the book is now #50 in Amazon's parenthood/special needs category? And in parenthood/fatherhood, it's #9??
ReplyDeleteThank you...for being a voice for those of us who live in the "special needs" world...
ReplyDeleteThis is so helpful... actually an example of the big truth that you can't get everything you need from one person. Under the stress of caring for a special child, one needs a reminder of one's "other" self. Sometimes that can only come in the arms of an outsider. I think people in milder situations often achieve this through mere flirtation, but I suspect everyone does it to some extent. A different perspective is a vacation for a stressed psyche. Beautiful, actually, that you both recognized that need at pretty much the same time, acted on it just enough, and stopped and confessed as soon as was possible. good brave stuff!
ReplyDeleteI've heard so many similar stories...there really isn't much of a village for parents of kids with special needs, and lots of marriages don't survive under the strain. (Other relationships too..friendships, family..can become casualties). It's good you're still together and were able to find a way, and it's even better that you shared this, hard as it was.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to reading the book. This was a great article!
ReplyDeleteI was home visiting my family, who live in Plano, and while flipping through D Magazine, I saw you and Schuyler! Please tell Schuyler that I thought her interview for the magazine was great!
You are really doing a great job on being a voice for Schuyler. Thanks for giving us all a sense of what you are your family are experiencing.
Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I feel like not only do we constantly have to fight for our daughter, but also for our selves. As parents of a child with special needs, we have to work so much harder to make it work. And the having time together is so much harder when there are so few people willing to babysit for a couple hours.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading your book. and I can't wait for my husband to read it also. It will be right there next to "Married with Special Needs Children" on the coffe table. Thankyou Rob.
Kudos, Rob. I have been at times both commended and vilified for "brutal honesty" in putting myself out there for the world to see, warts and all -- wearing my life on my sleeve as it were.
ReplyDeleteBecause I understand both how necessary and how dangerous that can be for one's self-image and self-respect, I have to say I have that much more respect for you, and Julie, for sharing so many sides of your life, even the less than pretty ones.
Your vulnerability is your strength. If you were picture-perfect and stainless steel, you wouldn't be nearly so easy to relate to. My heart goes out to you both, and to Schuyler, always.
I hope this doesn't come off as flippant, but I'm not shocked, surprised or disappointed. Living with broken children and trying to help them 24/7 is damn hard, and as you pointed out the last person you can turn to for comfort is your spouse because they're in the samn boat.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and Julie were able to work things out. And I am really, REALLY looking forward to the book.
Damn. That must've been a bitch to write. But good on you for doing it. It'll make a huge difference to someone feeling their way through that minefield.
ReplyDeleteI know you're going to let me get away with this because we're friends, because I've already read the book, and because I know you totally want to say it and might not but?
ReplyDeleteGod I hope this once and for all shuts up all of the ridiculous, no-life-having gossip mongers of yore who insist - to this day! - on talking smack about your life.
You and Julie are some of the bravest souls in the world... and I'm sitting here bawling.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and bold. Thank you.
I have to get a hold of myself and work, wow.
I see all these references to bravery.
ReplyDeleteHow are two adulteries, one on each side of the marriage, BRAVE?
How are the eventual disclosures of such "brave"?
I know of what I speak. And I would never, ever call any of it brave.
Ah, the judgy judging begins.
ReplyDeleteHumanity is making mistakes. Bravery is admitting them, fighting through them and past them, learning something and becoming better people in the end.
Hope that helps, anonymous.
For others tempted to judge, the only people in this situation whose feelings on the subject matter one bit are Rob and Julie. If they each stumbled on the way down one hell of a rocky damned road, but ended up helping each other stand? Your finger-pointing is completely superfluous, serving no possible goal but to impress us all with how goshdarned *moral* your *family values* are. To which I say: bra.vo.
If the rest of us agree to be suitably impressed ahead of time, can you moral types just zip it? Just this once?
This openess is captivating because we so rarely see it. Sharing this is nearly impossible to share with friends, let alone the world. And I think you are beyond brave for doing so.
ReplyDeleteI'm really happy that you and Julie found your way back to eachother.
I am really looking forward to reading the book.
Good on you both.
ReplyDeleteWow, that must have been hard to write because it was hard to read. I respect that you were honest in this, because pretending that everything is all rosy and perfect doesn't help make things better. And I hope in the book that there's more about how you and Julie made it through this difficulty. Each time a friend or family member of mine is divorced, an affair was a part of their problems. In some cases, it was just a symptom of other problems. And in others, it was the root cause. So as I read, I wondered how Julie reacted to your news, how you both moved past this, and how other families facing this reality can come to terms. I admire both of you for holding your family together through such hardship.
ReplyDelete"How are two adulteries, one on each side of the marriage, BRAVE?"
ReplyDeleteYou think that everyone's saying that Rob and Julie are brave because they committed adultery? That's what you really think everyone is saying?
Dumbass.
Thanks, everyone. I was nervous about this (both this post and obviously the book even more), but aside from one comment here, the response has been entirely positive. I've been bracing for the hate mail that hasn't come.
ReplyDelete(Watch, as soon as I say that...)
I'd like to join the voices applauding your bravery. You never know how exactly you might touch someone, but you've touched me (again).
ReplyDeleteI had written this long, involved comment but decided to self-edit and simply say this: thank you. You have reminded me that there is no real instruction manual for this "life" thing and that that doesn't mean all is lost.
At least you won't have to face impeachment hearings...
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, your honesty is impressive and moving. Few people have the requisite cojones to face their own blunders, much less admit them to the world. You have what Orwell described as the "power of facing unpleasant facts."
And like old George, you're a real author now, so we can turn your name into an adjective, too. What sort of thing would be Rummelian?
Hey Rob,
ReplyDeleteWell I just sent you a personal email telling you that I picked up the copy of Wondertime at my peds office. (I had no idea "ya'll'd" be in it though). I was, honestly shocked when I read the story, but come to think of it, so many couples are probably going through this same thing. Raising kids is no picnic. Focus tends to be on the children and you gotta cling tight to your mate. I'm so glad you stepped away form the water and Im also very glad Julie stayed.
Your friend,
Shannon in Austin
The small bit in this piece just cements for me that I have to have the book.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest and sharing such a moving story.
I just put in a request for my library to get your book. I plan on purchasing it myself, but thought that the message you are puting out there is important enough for other people to see. My little way to help others hear about you and your daughter, and to perhaps find comfort in knowing they are not alone. I sent you an email with the twenty-twenty poems. Thanks for your reply. I thank you for breaking the silence for our silent ones.
ReplyDeleteI was going to say...did I miss something? Clearly I stayed away a bit longer than I normally do. This morning, I'm casually thumbing through WonderTime and walla! I see you. I see Schuyler, and I read the word Julie as I'm skimming, not realizing what I'm reading and it hit me, wait a minute, Julie, picture of Rob, picture of Schuyler, hold on! I am now focused, present and accounted for, and I begin reading and flipping frantically back and forth, and lo and behold, it IS you guys, and its your story and I'm blown away.
ReplyDeleteFrom weakness comes strength. It's so very obvious to me. I've lived that whole mantra too; from weakness comes strength. Almost like a Phoenix rising slowly from the ashes. You as a Dad have taken a stand in your life, and the deck of cards you were dealt with have been handled nicely and well played in the end. You stand for Schuyler and love and you in a way have given children who need a voice, a voice. I've struggled through with grief and acceptance and while I've been in the midst of that I've marveled at other struggles you have had; same things but different levels. And it has helped. I don't 'know' you but I'm proud nonetheless.
Thanks, Rob, for putting it all out there. And doing it so well.
Rob, I read your post yesterday and was quite moved to say the least. Then I go home and what do I find in my mailbox but a magazine called Wondertime. I am not a subscriber so I'm not sure where it came from but my nephew's school sells magazine subs so I'm guessing it's a gift from my SIL. Even after having read your post I must have blanked because I started paging through the index and was taken aback when I saw you there. Immediately I flipped to the article. Beautiful. Words, pictures, layout. I couldn't help but think how weird it might be for you (and Julie). On the one hand you must be proud of the article (and rightly so) and your family but having the subject matter be so personal it also has to be, weird. I know I'm not coming across well so let me just close by saying I really enjoyed the article and wish you, Julie and Schuyler nothing but the best.
ReplyDeleteI remember when you wrote about that bridge on your website. I think you and Julie are to be admired for how you pulled it back together. I am proud to "know" you. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI read this post a few days after it was posted, so am probably too late for any real effectiveness, but just had to say that yes, we all make mistakes; it's what we do with them that makes the difference. I'd be very interested to hear more of THAT story. I, too, am so glad that you stayed together to "fight the good fight". You put your child ahead of yourselves and that is rare...of parents with special needs children, or parents of what we like to call "normal" children...and what in the world is "normal" anyway?? But, I digress. The person who felt you were getting credit for your indiscretion by calling you brave was certainly tromped on for his/her opinion and that bothers me. Isn't this blog a forum for opinion? If it's just for "Rob accolades", then who's going to read it for very long?? Rob's mom??
ReplyDeleteAs for you Rob, you did a great job with this story/confession. You are truly a gifted writer/father/husband. Keep fighting the good fight.
And that is the reason why anyone that reads you who has any sense loves you and Julie and Schuyler.
ReplyDeleteWhile I disagree with the commenter who said there was nothing brave about writing this, I also disagree with the commenter who said "the only people in this situation whose feelings on the subject matter one bit are Rob and Julie."
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to find out a parent had an affair. Presumably that day will come for Schulyer as well?
So lovely in its honesty.
ReplyDeleteYou really are a gifted story/life teller.
Thank you for writing that. I am in awe that you could be so honest, first with each other, then with the rest of the world. I am so relieved to read a story similar to my own.
ReplyDeleteI too had an affair that started when my special needs child was quite young. It was mind-bogglingly unlike me, and yet something that kept me alive at that time. I remember looking in the mirror and wondering how I could be doing this - and then the answer came: I'd rather be the evil villain than the eternal victim I'd become.
Bless you.