I just walked in from putting Schuyler on the bus. This is almost always the worst part of the day.
About half an hour ago, I woke from a recurring dream, a variation on one that I've had ever since Schuyler's diagnosis in the summer of 2003. It's the dream where she talks to me. I hate the dream, even though I also love it a little. I hate how I feel when I wake up and Schuyler's reality hits me all over again, dissipating the dream like smoke.
This time it was a little different. I was holding a baby girl -- our baby, the second child we were never able to have -- and I was wondering where Schuyler was and how she was doing, in that way that I usually think about her during the day, from the moment I put her on the bus and give her over to the world.
Just then, in my dream, she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder, and she said the same thing she always does. "It's going to be okay," she said. And then she asked where her beanbag chair was.
Julie woke me in the middle of the dream so I could put Schuyler on the bus after she left for work. I found Schuyler on the couch, getting her morning Zaboomafoo fix. I asked her how she was doing. She smiled and silently gave me a thumbs up.
It's going to be okay. I still hurt for her, though.
I've never once had a dream where my son spoke to me. Maybe because his problems started at birth, I can't dream of something I never even let myself imagine. But I did have a dream very similar to this one, where I was with a future daughter that didn't exist. Except in my dream, the Nonexistant Daughter told me it would all be okay, not my son. He stayed as expressionless as he always will.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure which hurts more sometimes; the reality or the dreams of what could have been.
Thumbs up to you! I watch for when the book progress changes so I was glad to see that. You go, Rob!
ReplyDeleteYeah, getting sick and generally having a bad week tripped me up and put me slightly behind schedule, but I think I'm back to business now. I planned for one or two blips in my plan, so I'm still good to turn it in well ahead of my deadline.
ReplyDeleteThat's a powerful dream, and a "true" one. I believe it really is Schuyler talking to you in the one realm in which her voice works. I believe she IS going to be okay. Your pain? I don't know if a parent's pain ever goes away, but I think you'll have many, many moments in which you realize that she's strong and powerful and doesn't need anyone's sympathy.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's true about you, too. Wishing you all good things — health, wealth, happiness... peace of mind.
How is school going for her re: reading, writing & 'rithmeticing?
ReplyDeleteShe may not speak words, but that little girl speaks in emotion and feelings. She is an amazing inspiration.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. Every time I come to your site and read your post, I leave with such a good feeling. The world needs more parents like you.
ReplyDeleteOnce I had a dream that Jenelle looked me straight in the eye and said "Thank you Mommy!" I still cry just thinking about it... and part of me hated that dream too!
ReplyDeleteI think in our sub-conscious, they are speaking to us. And sometimes, it is exactly what we need to hear.
woah, what an intense dream.
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