Schuyler's New Monster

Schuyler's New Monster
Originally uploaded by Citizen Rob.

When I get paid every month, our usual practice involves taking Schuyler out and rewarding her generally swell behavior with a trip to the toy store. She's not a terribly materialistic person, so it's not like she acts better or worse depending on how much stuff she gets. It's mostly just an excuse to go hang out in a toy store with Schuyler. Toys stores and pet stores are irresistible place to visit with her.

Tonight, Schuyler's choice came down to one of two things. One was a blue-haired Barbie with fairy wings, and believe me when I say that I am about sick to death of Barbie in her countless permutations. I don't care if she's a princess or a mermaid or a business woman or a crackwhore, her dead eyes and weird zero-gravity boobs give me the creeps. But when little girls find Barbie, and they always do, you have to decide whether to fight that losing battle or just raise your kid right and love her and hope that her self-esteem is high enough that she doesn't think that she has to grow up to be seven feet tall with giant dirigible tits to be happy.

But I digress.

The other toy she fixated on tonight was a dinosaur, from the same Fisher Price line as her others, but much cooler. No longer content to have one moving part and a single recorded snarl, this guy had glowing red eyes, a whole vocabulary of nasty sounds and a body that twisted menacingly, throwing his head back to roar when you pushed one of his scales.

It might only be a small surprise to learn that she picked the dinosaur.

I've written at length about her affinity for King Kong and dinosaurs and big scary beasts that scare most kids. Schuyler faces her own monster without flinching, and I truly believe that in her imaginary world, she goes into battle against that monster with her sword drawn and pink hair flying out Valkyrie-like from under her viking helmet, and she does so with a small army of her own monsters at her back.

As we left Toys-R-Us, she played with her new monster, watching him writhe and roar with a look of phony fear and rapt amazement. She held him up so he could see the lightning flashing in the distance and threatened other drivers with his big teeth and nasty disposition. Then she hugged him and kissed him and put him on the seat beside her, insisting that we buckle him in. Nothing staves off extinction like good common safety sense.

Now, as I write this, he is laying on the couch, covered by the blanket that she brought for him and tucked him under. I swear, he looks almost happy.