I'm sitting in McDonald's Playland here in charming North Dallas, Texas. (Not entirely sure which one, either. I live in a world of interchangeable North Dallas suburbs.) I'm watching Schuyler play, and interact with the other kids, and it's fascinating.
She starts off trying to play with three little pretty princesses, all of them carrying orange-haired little dolls from their Happy Meals. Schuyler's possession of an idential doll does not seem to be granting her entrance into their circle, however, and for a good ten minutes I watch her chase them around as they intentionally shun her, turning their backs on her and running away when she tries to talk to them. I can't make out the words they're saying to her, but the tone is unmistakably unkind.
Schuyler's a little doll herself, you know, and she either doesn't realize they are blowing her off, or she just doesn't give a shit.
She takes it in stride, I do not. It's hard, watching little girls be little girls to each other, which often means being horrible little shits. (For the adult version, go visit any Attached Parenting discussion forum.) I want to interfere, I want to say mean things to these little girls and make them run off crying, just for shunning the Chubbin. I don't. I sit here and I watch.
And when I sit and watch long enough, I see the thing that often happens with Schuyler. I see her shrug it off and play with other kids, and I see her begin to attract a little following, the kids who see that she's different but don't yet know enough to treat her like a freak. They'll learn one day, I'm afraid, but not just yet. I see the Schuyler Pied Piper Effect kick in, and before long I'm watching the little mob that inevitably ends up following her, like she's the strange mute drum major in the Weird Kids Parade.
Then it happens. The snotty little princesses that treated her like a leper half an hour ago want to play with her now. She has popularity, and they want some of it.
And to her inexhaustible credit, Schuyler lets them, without hesitation. I am a tiny bit frustrated that they are getting away with it, but I am mostly proud of her for being a bigger person than any of us.
Earlier, we were at the drugstore and she repeated a refrain that's been going for about a week now. Although this photo makes it look otherwise, Schuyler's hair color has faded, as it was supposed to (although, and this is important, not completely), and she wants it redone, this time in red.
"I want red hair." She's been saying it for about a week now.
We went to the aisle where we picked up the last hair color experiment (L'Oreal Color Pulse Concentrated Non-Permanent Color Mousse, for those of you who care, and I assume that's everyone), and she immediately grabbed the one she's been looking at every time we go in. This time it's "Red Pulse", and by golly, it's RED. Nothing subtle here.
So fine, no problem. No ammonia, no peroxide, washes out in eight to ten shampoos (except that it totally doesn't), safe for your hair and loads of fun. There's just one problem this time. She made a special request at a father/daughter bonding exercise.
"Red hair Daddy."
I'm not accustomed to denying Schuyler her requests, particularly the ones she makes on her device. But, um, this might have to be the first.
Well, okay. Maybe just a hint of red. Maybe. She did ask nicely.
Do it!
ReplyDeleteI have a little secret--well, a secret from my kids, who as far as I know don't read blogs. I am planning to dye my hair with my girls when I get out of the hospital. Whatever color they want. There may also be ear piercing involved. Just something to brighten up the burbs and bond with the kiddos.
We've used the red pulse on Rymer's hair (almost the same color as Schuyler's normally) it's red red but it looks awesome.
ReplyDeleteDo it!
Oh and yeah, little girls are savages. Especially the pretty princesses. What's sad is some never grow out of it. A kid like Schuyler is worth a thousand pretty princesses..ninja warrior princesses are way better.
Man, you better post pictures after you've added he red to you and Schuyler's hair.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for letting Schuyler work out the people problems. It sounds like she does just fine. Aren't kids amazing?!
Go Schuyler! Go miss red-haired popularity! Be jealous future little cheerleader B*@#$'s! haha!
Oh, I agree, it's not just the AP moms, not even close. I just think it tends to gravitate to their forums. Maybe they're not worse, just more organized. I do seem to see a lot of them jumping on the choices of other parents with both feet, but maybe my perspective is skewed from reading Dooce.
ReplyDeletesince you have dark hair, it wouldn't be very obvious, especially since it's a non-permanent dye. go for it!
ReplyDeletesarah
www.misanthropic-tendencies.com
And to her inexhaustible credit, Schuyler lets them, without hesitation. I am a tiny bit frustrated that they are getting away with it, but I am mostly proud of her for being a bigger person than any of us.
ReplyDeleteWhat a class act she is. And what a role model.
Congratulations.
And yes, you should dye your hair, too. Warn them at work, though.
#2 reason I wished for only boys when I became pregant was so they wouldn't have to deal with other little girls. They can be harsh...
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Schuyler doesn't seem to care, and that she wa gracious enough to allow them into her presence once they saw how cool she is. Amazing kid.
Rob,
ReplyDeleteI started reading you waaaaay back when you were The Book Of Rob. I started shortly before you and Julie found out you were going to be parents. I started reading for the smart ass-ness of your writing and have stuck around, not just for the excellent snark factor, but for your insight and intelligence.
Every time I read about you doing Cool Dad stuff with Schuyler I think of my own father whom I am very close to and I think of how fortunate she is to have such a caring father who wants to give her the world, wrapped in King Kong paper and tied with a pink bow. You give her the best gifts when you do stuff like this with her.
I used the red stuff on my kid sister (13 to my 28) and she loved it, the color was fantastic, even on her dark brown hair.
Go on, a little red won't kill you, but it might be a little akward once it fades to pink.
Oh my god. If you do it, please post photos.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, I'm a redhead and we have way more fun than blondes.
And allyeis is right. Little girls are awful to each other, especailly at Schuyler's age.
(Posting for Julie)
ReplyDeleteThe same Lord of the Flies thing happend to us a couple of weeks ago. Schuyler and I were at a playground and a group of girls did the banishment routine with her. She thought it was a game at first and chased them around. When words like "she's and idiot" and "she's stupid" came out of their mouths I lost it. I confronted them and asked where their parent's were, but I think I scared the crap out of them. I tried to show them Schuyler's device and have her use it. They didn't understand though.
I called Rob, sobbing saying I thought kids these days were more sensitive to people who were different. That we were a new generation of loving, tolerant parenting. Showing that diversity is okay, not something that you do only in the correct situations. I just want to strangle stupid parents who don't understand what we deal with on a day-to-day basis.
It's times like these that I try to let her handle the sitution, but she doesn't understand the power of those hurtful words. She instead chooses to float about, impervious to their insults. I'd like to think this is because we have never tried to make her feel different, but equal and unique.
julie
Do it! The college kids at your new job will totally give you mad props (sorry, I don't really know what got into me there. I have no idea what I mean).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've written before, but I wanted to say again how much I love your blog. You write so honestly and eloquently about your daughter, yourself and your world together. Refreshing. Very nice. :)
Now - you've got some coloring to do!
I think people *are* more sensitive to people who are "different" these days....but only when the "difference" demands nothing from them--no sacrifice of time or energy or pleasure for instance. People will nod and smile to my friend in her wheelchair but when they have to wait a few extra minutes for her to get herself arranged into her car before leaving a parking spot their jaw gets tight and they start checking the clocks on their cell phones (real obvious, folks). My hearing-impaired friends might ask non-deaf friends to occasionally repeat things and please please face toward them if possible so that they can read their lips better and the reaction is "polite" but clearly the underlying attitude is "I like you and everything, but adapting to your issues is a hassle!" So I think these kids are just typical of the whole modern world, of people of whatever age. Slowing down to take in Schuyler and her way of speaking and to try to understand what she's about interferes with their momentary pleasure. In kids you don't even have the thin veneer of politeness that well-mannered but selfish adults put on----instead of smiling and giving the you're-inconveniencing-me look, they yell "freak!" and run away. It's not tolerance for differences so much as the patience to deal with the adjustments you have to make. Fewer people possess patience and curiosity than tolerance. Those who do have the former have seen it pay off with Schuyler and as you can see, once the early adopters get the ball rolling the followers roll on in. Take care.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Kim
Rob (and other parents in similar situations),
ReplyDeleteI have a question for you. How do you think the parents of the children in question should handle it? I ask because I recently found myself in a (not entirely) similar situation, and I didn't know what to do. I have a daughter very close to Schuyler's age. She is generally sweet and empathetic, and I have only seen her react kindly to other children. However, the other day she came home from school complaining about the girl she was partnered to square dance with at school. We talked about it for awhile and some details emerged. My daughter was frustrated because the other girl "didn't listen to the teacher" and "yelled wierd things" and "couldn't be still." It also turned out that this little girl wasn't in my daughter's class, but only joined them for music, PE, and art. That finally clued me in that this girl probably had some cognitive or physical challenges (probably both), and I found myself in the position of trying to explain this to my 6-year-old daughter in a way that she could understand. I tried to explain that this little girl faced some challenges that my daughter didn't, and that while this might make her seem different from the other children in some ways, she was the same in the most important ways. I emphasized that it would probably really hurt her feelings terribly if she heard my daughter or the other children complain about dancing with her. I *think* my daughter was less frustrated and more empathetic after we talked about it, but it's hard to say. And I'm not completely certain I said the right things. The whole thing made me realize that there's a first time a child realizes that some other children are different, and it's up to the parents to help them understand what's going on and teach them to be empathetic and understanding. But how do you do it??
Huh. If you were at the McD's on McDermott and 75, you were in Allen. If you were at the McDonald's on McDermott and Custer, you were in Plano. If you were at the McDonald's on Coit, that's definitely Plano.
ReplyDeleteWhat does it say about me that I KNOW these places? Oy...
I'm a hairdresser and had a thought - how about a few red highlights? Just ask for a few foils and it's pretty cheap, compared to full highlights.
ReplyDeleteVixen
www.geocities.com/vixenaccount
Sent over here from NotCalm and thought your insight into AP forums was funny (just because I've been on the receiving end of those mean AP girls).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I linked to this post, but it's in LJ and it's locked. But I thought I'd let you know so you don't wonder what kinds of shitty things I might be saying about you--because I'm not. :-) I'm just laughing cuz it's funny.
best
eve