Hey, you know how sometimes you just feel down? Like all the little bullshit life things just catch up to you all at once?
That's sort of how I'm feeling these days, on top of not physically doing as well as I want to be.
You know, I joke about being old, fat and drunk, and eating a bunch of crap, but the truth is that according to Dr. Hottie and the diabetes literature, I'm relatively young for diabetes, I only need to lose about twenty pounds, and my diet? Well, yeah, that was pretty bad, but I've never smoked and I haven't been a big drinker for a few years.
All of this is good in the sense that being old and fat is generally considered to be a Bad Thing. I'm no doctor, but ask any old fat person and I'll bet they'll tell you it sucks.
But the bad thing is that my diabetes is probably mostly due to genetics, according to my doctor. (And don't forget, she's hot, so you know she can be trusted.) My father died from his, despite the fact that he was slim and athletic, never smoked and drank only occasionally, in that Texas good ol' boy, "drink a beer while watching the ballgame" sort of way. He was the quarterback in high school and was a coach until the day he died, and yet his diabetes and his heart killed him at the age of 51.
My point is not to be all maudlin about my father (although I get that way this time of year, near the anniversary of his death), but rather to point out that if I were diabetic solely because of my unhealthy lifestyle, I could just change my lifestyle and go a long way towards getting healthy. This might be trickier than I thought, though. Changing the way I live is going to help, but it might not have the drastic improvement that I'm hoping for. Keeping my blood sugar down is hard, and it's not down where it should be by now, and I feel a little like I'm swimming upstream.
But I'll keep trying and keep eating better and exercising more and trying to stay positive about my own health even as I continue to try to help Schuyler (who's having some reading problems in school, as we always feared she would, although really, how do they know, you know?). And I'll try to stay positive about every other little personal thing that comes up in the same way they come up for every person in the world.
But I've got to tell you, just here lately, it's been wearing me down. It won't for long; I'm Chumbawamba, you know.
diabetes is a hard disease to live with (i live with it every day) - mainly because it's genetic which means you often get to see your parents in more advanced stages and there are times when it feels like you don't have anything wrong with you. i find it's easy to ignore, which of course isn't optimal. you'll come to terms with it eventually - and you'll find a way to live with it.
ReplyDeleteyou're not alone.
Dude -- that sucks, and I hope you feel better about things soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm in my late 20s, which I consider to be pretty young, still -- but life has a way of sort of sneaking up on you and smacking you about the head sometimes. I still experience a kind of cognitive dissonance about being a "responsible adult"; that "Wait, wasn't I supposed to have this figured out by now? Hold on, does ANYBODY have this figured out? What the hell -- why didn't anyone TELL me I wouldn't ever figure any of this out?" feeling about things in general.
Anyway, sunshine and kittens and etc. As trite as it sounds, I hope you have a good day.
i'm fat and young and it sucks. and i don't have beedies yet, but my doc told me it's inevitable because of my family history and fatness. so i often wonder when that shoe is going to drop and i dread it.
ReplyDeleteOK, I'm no expert on Schuyler's monster and I don't know the specifics of her reading "difficulties." But I am a 2nd grade teacher and I do have some degrees...sometimes it just takes longer for reading to "click" in some kids. When it does--oh, gosh, it's amazing. But some kids click in K, others in first...I had kids that didn't "click" til the end of 2nd grade. One day, they are sounding out the word "barn" and the next, they are reading whole books.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, maybe this has more to do with Schuyler's monster than anything else, but at her age, there are a lot of unbroken kids who struggle with reading as well.
I don't know what its like to have diabetes and to have watched my "healthy on the outside" looking Dad pass away. That had to feel like such a rip-off.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have experienced is multiple chronic health issues that evolved into an EXTREME mental health crisis!
Here's what I found that may help you. I realized that at a specific point in my life, no matter how positive and up I seemed on the outside, I lost Hope.
You've heard of failure to thrive...I had failure to Hope. I've experienced the ugliest lows that a lack of Hope can bring, all because of chronic health issues.
My words to you, if you don't mind listening, are this:
Your health situation sounds shitty.
It doesn't seem fair, not just because you are a great guy, but because Schuyler desperately needs you.
It may take a lot of "wrestling it out in your mind" and YELLING AND SCREAMING AT GOD, but He has big shoulders and I hope you can get to the place where you can Hope your life will go differently than your Dad's.
Dude, it's not "accident" that you are Schuyler's father. She could never have a better advocate in her life than you. Let's have Hope (enlist all your friends to help encourage you) that you will leave this planet when Schuyler is ready...not a day before.
(Hope I didn't sound too preachy, don't feel like you have to publish this long comment. You can, but it was meant for you!!!)
I know just how you feel. My dad died at 51 too. He was fit looking and didn't smoke or drink. He also had a physical job and kept in good shape. I get scared sometimes about this genetics thing but I have to keep telling myself that we are lucky that medicine has come far and keeps getting better.
ReplyDeletePlod on brave man!
Life has sucker punches for all of us. I have a theory that certain tragedies become the definition we have, and others have, of us. I'm not sure if this is good or bad in general. Sometimes I think our tragedies are what causes up to rise to another level. I think you have done that with the Monster but also think Diabetes is finding you a formidable opponent with an unbeatable sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteAs to reading. I didn't read in the First Grade. I think I was dyslexic before dyslexic was cool. I got a social promotion to Second Grade. I was number two in a class of three hundred or so on high school graduation. You never know. Every slip and bump is going to be harder because you know all the possibilities for Schulyer.
Hey, I totally understand the "I'm too young for this to be happening to me" feeling.
ReplyDeleteThe shitty days are a real trial. You never quit, but sometimes you have to take a break from fighting and catch your breath. Do the rope-a-dope for a round or two, then go back to knocking the world on its ass. Or turn it back up to 11. Pick a metaphor.
You've written pretty eloquently about handling yourself when bad luck comes knocking on your door, so I bet you'll take on the diabetes with equal determination.