As I begin my final week at The Monolith, I have two stories about two different customers I encountered on two consecutive days.
The first customer came into the department about an hour before the store closed. She was young and very attractive, in that North Dallas sort of way. She had blonde hair with highlights, a tan that was not even remotely natural, and perfectly perfect breasts for which I am pretty sure she had a receipt. Still, a hot woman is a hot woman, especially when she talks to you intensely and flirtatiously, which she was.
We got to talking, and she looked into my eyes the whole time, and when she asked about my tattoo, she took my arm to look at it and held it a little longer than necessary. I'm not usually a person who knows when I'm being flirted with, but it was pretty clear this time. I was having one of those, "Who, me? You talking to me?" moments. Then, after we'd talked a little about heath care (she apparently noticed my gimp tag, which is always quite the draw for the ladies, as you can probably imagine), she said, "Rob, I want to give you my phone number and my email address. There's something I want to show you."
Yeah, she really said that. In my head, I was composing a letter to Penthouse. "I never thought those letters were real, until the day a pretty blonde with big fake titties walked into my store..."
So for what reason do you think she wanted to share her personal contact info with me? She wanted to show me more about a personal healthy living philosophy that she subscribed to, one that changed her life and which would, if I tried it, heal me forever.
There's no easy way to say this.
She drinks pee.
She believes that urine is the purest form of our blood and contains nutrients and healing properties that can even help people with cancer. She drinks it, and she takes little pills that I gather are a concentrated form of, well, pee. If you prefer your pee powdered, there's a product for you, although I suspect it's not waiting for you at your local Whole Foods Market. (God help us all, I'm probably wrong about that.)
Now, I'm no scientist, and I haven't written to her to get more information, but as far as I understand, urine is a waste product. It's the stuff your body doesn't need or want. Pee is not, I truly believe, a beverage.
When she left, she wanted to give me a hug, and when she did, it was an unusually personal one, all close and tight and slightly longer than expected. And yet as male and doggish as I am, I still couldn't help thinking to myself, "God, I hope she doesn't try to kiss me with her pee-drinking mouth..."
Pee.
(How much do you want to bet that at some point in the future, I get an upset email or comment from a pee drinker out there?)
The second customer wasn't so involved or so scary, just startling. She came in inquiring about a certain artist, but when she started to ask, she drew a blank.
"I'm really sorry," she said. "I'm sort of distracted. I just had back surgery and it still feels really weird."
And without skipping a beat, she turned around and hiked up her shirt and SHOWED ME HER SCAR. It was all fresh and bloody and Frankensteinian. I have to confess, I was so startled that I almost forgot to be grossed out. Almost.
So yeah. I'm going to miss retail a little. Just a little.
The pee-drinking! I remember hearing Sarah Miles (actress, of Ryan's Daughter fame) being interviewed,extolling the benefits of drinking her own pee. The evangelical zeal that seems to go with the practice must be a side-effect.
ReplyDeleteDrinking pee = wrong in so many ways, unless you're in the middle of the ocean on an inflatable life raft and have nothing else to drink and your tongue is all swollen and you're seeing angels. Ick.Ick.Ick.
ReplyDeleteThe posting at 2 a.m. is heroic - how can you stay up that late?
What will happen, Rob, is some fetish website will pick up on that in a search and you'll start getting hits from people with an...ahem... particular kink.
ReplyDeleteAs for the particular acts in question, um, NO. The second lady can at least be given a pass for possibly drug after effects that made her act like a 5 year old, but STILL.
I'd never want to work retail, but that's some interesting fodder there.
isn't pee made up of stuff your body doesn't NEED anymore? Isn't it liquid WASTE? If it was so full of nutrients and important stuff, your body would have absorbed that crap (pun somewhat intended) before it got ejected into the porcelain god.
ReplyDeleteI just dont' get it.
Fabulous story -- and the scar thing. I may have passed out.
You needed to share more of these stories, but we know the line "don't blog about work" very very well.
Now I remember why I loathed working in a department store while in college. (I actually blocked out my memories of the man who used to use the store's gift boxes as, er, latrines, and then left them in the fitting rooms.)
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your ex-customer drinks it on the rocks or straight up.
Good to know that it's not just our Monolith branch that draws a lot of freaks. We had one woman the other day who was going around telling other women that they shouldn't fornicate with women or they'd go to hell. We unfortunately didn't catch her at it till she said it to an 8-year-old P.K. who then went and ask her dad what fornicate meant.
ReplyDeleteAlso had a guy who came in and started attacking me (music-seller) about why we sell Cat Stevens' work. After he got done with me he went and started harrassing booksellers, neither of whom even knew who Cat Stevens is.
Then there's the homeless lady who lives in the mall parking lot in her car and does naked yoga in the parking lot at 6 am and looks like Steven Tyler.
... yeah.
Give her a call. She might want to buy some of your pee. You been needing some extra cash. Think about it, there might be millions of people out there that would pay good money for some Rob pee. You could put it on E-bay, Home Shopping, you could set up a chain of Rob Pee Pee stores nationwide.
ReplyDeleteTechnically, urine is sterile, (while only in the bladder), but so are many other things, and you don't see me drinking them. I believe that urine is full of bacteria and it is still, waste, from the body.
ReplyDeleteI guess I would question someone who came in with fake tiddys and is telling you that drinking urine is okay.
The only time you SHOULD drink urine is if you are in a life or death situaion, (ie, stranded in the ocean, or an island), which you aren't... but you are in Texas.
Bleh.
I dunno, like what if you were swimming and accidentally swallowed a teeny little jelly fish and it bit you inside, then you might have to drink it? Or at least gargle?
ReplyDeleteThat would be a great improv-comedy/punked/crazy chick kind of thing to pull--even if she wasn't into it--to see what kind of crazy stuff she could get guys to do just by hitting on them. You sure she wasn't in some sorority? Did you look around for a camera?
Ha! I laughed so hard I scared the dog. Great entry.
ReplyDeleteO, the pee drinking thing is nastee. Hopefully at your new job you will meet less nuts.
ReplyDeleteI must be some kind of dummy. If you make pee, then drink the pee, is that some crazy form of the circle of life? And at which point in the recycling process are you no longer geeting your nutrients? Oh god, I'm thinking about this waaaaay too much.
ReplyDeleteUmmm...I am in the midst of the renal physiology section of my physiology class, and, well, I'm not sure drinking pee would hurt you, exactly, but I can't see how it would help you either. It is supposed to be sterile, assuming you don't have a UTI or something, and yours might be sweet, Rob, since you have the beedies and may be excreting it in your urine, but urea is made from AMMONIA, and, while less toxic than ammonia, it is still not something you would want to ingest, ya' know? eeeewwwww.
ReplyDeleteOkay, that first woman was an alien. That's what they do, they glamour up to look like whatever us Stupid Humans will most respond to (and when in Texas ...) and then cozy up to us and try to get us to do something very damaging. Because if we do it voluntarily, you see, it's more fun for them. When they take over. Ahem.
ReplyDeleteThat second woman, I dunno what the hell was her deal. But then I've had complete strangers walk up to me and tell me about their private parts' pains (and this was in a regular clothing store, not Hustler Hollywood), so I'm not surprised by much anymore.
I wish you'd asked that first woman how the silicone affected the urine quality. Snerk.
When you get the pee-drinker hate mail will you please, please, please share it with the interweb?
ReplyDeleteIn those Clan of the Cave Bear books, there was a blurb about using urine to bleach deer hides white... I asked around (lots of back-to-the-landers 'round here) and it's true.
ReplyDeletePerhaps that hair wasn't actually bleached with clorox...
there are many old time horse trainers that swear on nine day old pee..it has to be nine days old mind..and you rub it on a sore legged horse and it's healed...strangely when checking their stats they never seemed to win any races..maybe they jumped the gun and went with eight day old pee..
ReplyDeleteas a nurse there is no beneficial aspect to ingesting urine unless you are near death and then any way to get water right?..it's full of sodium , potassium and water and usually bacteria..yum
Maybe there are secret erotic properties in the presence of hot ladies urine that causes her to be unusually interested in married men. ??? Hmmmm.....
ReplyDelete